THE SHE-WOLF!

It's time for me to introduce you to MY second I.  I call her Katie Fantastic and she is a she-wolf!  Ever see or hear something that just instantly moves you to action?  Well let me tell you how it happened for me.  I was standing in my friend's apartment, drink in hand, when this music video came on TV.  I was utterly and completely captivated.  Slightly shocked, a bit applauded, but I couldn't take my eyes off it.  It was at this moment that I realized I must do something about my current condition.  First, as a disclaimer, I would like to say that I am not gay, I'm not a slut, and I don't generally buy when sex is what is for sale, but this was overwhelming to my senses.  It is the Shakira music video for She Wolf, and it is what best captures the energy and drive I channel when I am Katie Fantastic!  If you've never seen it, and believe me you would remember if you had, please take a moment to watch it- the entire video please, full-screen, as it is worth the three minutes and forty-nine seconds for shock value alone.  If you have seen it, please re-watch, as it bears repeating.  Then we will resume.

She-Wolf Video

Love or hate her, the girl got some moves!  Let's just say that every time I hear this song I start movin'.  I don't have a cage in my basement, yet, but I can be found reenacting this video several times a week.  Perhaps by the end of this journey I will be able to dance the whole thing.  Now that'd be a video worth seeing!! ;-)  I guess what I'm trying to say is that, we all at times lack the motivation to be our best.  It is a mental game and sometimes you have to dig deep and use whatever you got, even just your imagination, to take things to a higher level.  I can tell you that when I am working-out and I have pushed myself to the limit, it is Katie Fantastic that takes me through those last minutes of exercise.  Whether I am at the gym or returning back to my house from a run, I am, in those last seconds, screaming inside my head, "I AM KATIE FANTASTIC!!!"  Because if I didn't, I might never make it home!  One of these days, my neighbors are gonna hear me scream out that phrase as I'm nearing the driveway!  Any time someone says to me, "how did you do that??"  My response is always, "it must have been Katie Fantastic!' 

You may not be as extreme a person as me, but it never hurts to have a technique like this in your back pocket.  Did you think about the list of attributes I assigned??  Do you have a sense of what you would like those headlines to say about you??  Great!  Now you need a name!  A theme song may not be a bad idea either.  Use some of your adjectives to design a name for yourself as I did with fantastic.  Maybe you have a mundane first name like me (Jennifer).  Pick the name you've always wanted; the one you wish your mommy had given you!  Check out Drew Barrymore's movie, "Whip it," for some inspiration.  It's a total girl-power movie and those girls chose some amazing names as their roller derby names.  “Eva Destruction."  "Maggie Mayhem!”  LOL.  Celebrities rarely go by their God given name.  Maybe a shorter version of your real name?  Esteemed tattoo artist Katherine Drachenberg nicknamed herself KatVonD.  Use whatever works and gives you the motivation you need.  Don't stress about it as you can always change it later should you think of something better.  Then, start tapping into your power.  Anytime you are nervous about something, sheepish in a situation, lacking the perseverance to push through, remember who you are!  Remember your altar-ego!  Anytime I get worn out or are feeling low, I just start humming the tune to She-Wolf in my head.  "Nocturnal creatures are not so prudent, the moon's my teacher, and I'm her student...there's a she-wolf in your closet, open up and set her free...."

"To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are." -anonymous

CREATE AN ALTAR EGO

People are forever asking me where I get my confidence from, my self-esteem.  I guess they aren't used to someone weighing 300 pounds and still feeling pretty good about themselves- LOL.  After all, society has made sure that fat people are viewed as near worthless.  If you are a man, probably the worse thing your wife or girlfriend could be is overweight.  No street cred for nailin' the fat chick!  She'd be better off to have two heads.  I think trannies are more accepted in the male arena then a fat girl is.  It's not just a male thing either, because sadly, women say it about other women too!  "Fat and smelly," "Fat and lazy," "Fat b*tch."  I mean let's be honest, we never really hear fat teamed up with any good adjectives.  So if like me, you've had a lifelong battle with weight, it can be hard to preserve one's self-worth.

I think I am just a confident person at heart.  I come from pretty gutsy people and I think I have always been very good at knowing exactly who I am.  Knowing, for instance, that big or small, I am the exact same person!  Still, it can get tough sometimes, especially if you are the type of person who holds yourself to some pretty high standards.  So I'll let you in on a little secret that has always helped me...create an altar ego!  Sometimes the best way to feel good about who you are in the moment, is to think of yourself as who you'd most like to be.  If you could be the most perfect "you," what would that look like...??  How does that person think?  What is that person known for?  Think about how you would want to be described by an audience: fierce, fashionable, sexy, daring, smart, then apply it to your thinking.

I honestly believe celebrities and superstars get lucky.  They have one big break and what fuels the rest of their fame is the belief that they ARE something great.  It's like writers are expected to have the next great novel, actors- the next best film, so they begin to expect it of themselves because of all the feedback they've gotten from society.  “Riveting, fantastical.”  I think they begin to think of themselves as riveting and fantastical!  You can have all the talent and beauty in the world, but sometimes the hardest part is believing that you do!  Be your own fan!  Don't wait for your first novel or big break.  Think of yourself that way now!!  Build the field of dreams in your life and the rest will come.  Think I'm crazy?  Recording artist Beyonce released an album called, “I AM Sasha Fierce.”  She's a pop superstar for God's sake and even she felt the need to create an altar-ego for herself!

In Latin, alter ego means "the second I."  This is your homework assignment for today- to begin thinking about your second "I."  I want you to think about all the characteristics you value.  All the good things about yourself, as well as, the attributes that are yet to come.  Concentrate on how you see yourself when you are at your most fabulous.  Jot down adjectives that you would like to see in print if Hollywood wrote a review about you.  Think about your favorite celebrity or the person you admire most in life, then tune in tomorrow for tips on how to construct the perfect altar-ego.

"I am indeed a king, because I know how to rule myself." -Pietro Aretino

THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

I was a little caught up in the drama yesterday with Tera quitting the blog.  I apologize for my distraction, but it was a very sad day for me.  I want her to be well and I hope things settle down for her soon.  I got so caught up in the madness that I completely forgot about "Weigh-in Tuesday!"  I am happy to announce that I have lost three more pounds!  Woot!  Woot!  This makes a total of thirteen pounds since November 1st.  There seems to be a pattern forming.  I have a week of no weight loss or a slight loss, followed by a week of a bigger loss.  Whatever the case, I'll take it!  I feel like it is a respectable amount to be losing, at a responsible rate.  It works out to be 2.6 pounds per week.  I know new studies indicate that there is no correlation between how fast you lose weight and its permanence, but I couldn't disagree more with the findings.  The problem with these studies is that they are always cranked out by scientists and doctors, and I suppose people looking to participate in a weight-loss study, but never "real" people suffering from life-long yo-yo dieting and obesity.  Every single time I have lost weight super fast, I have gained it back super fast also.  Can anyone agree with me on this??  Now that's not to say that if you lose weight slowly you don't still run the risk of gaining it back, but I wholeheartedly believe there is a connection between how fast you lose the weight and its permanence, and let me tell you why.  Because when you lose weight super quick it generally means you are doing something EXTREME to lose it.  Extreme, by definition of the Merriam-Webster dictionary is, "going to great or exaggerated lengths; Radical, went on an extreme diet."  LOL.  (They actually use dieting as a means to demonstrate use of the word!)  Any time you do something extreme, it is often a short-lived moment in your life.  It is not something you can realistically keep up for any prolonged length of time.  I lost weight before through extreme diet and exercise.  Ask me how well that turned out??  I'm writing a blog seven years later entitled, Two Tion Tillies!"

I get really fed up with all the fad diets and miracle cures because I think it is one of the biggest money making exploitations of the American people.  I do not doubt that they work.  Of course they do, for about a minute!  If you eat nothing but grapefruit for sixteen weeks I guess you will lose some weight. But what happens when you stop...??  Are you really going to do that forever??  Is eating only one thing or eliminating an entire group of foods like carbs really healthy for our bodies...??  Atkins, South Beach, The ZONE, Raw Foods, Real Age, Fat Smash, Mediterranean, YOU ON A DIET!...I've tried them all!  I think I was at my first Weight Watchers meeting at age eight and was enrolled in Nutri-system by my twelfth birthday.  I've examined every weight loss cure out there and will probably continue to do so because I respect the research.  People keep asking me what I am doing to lose the weight.  I am doing the Jennifer diet!  Funny thing happens when you've tried all this stuff, you become a bit of an expert.  I have borrowed from each and every one of them and I am taking the best techniques, best medical findings, and most practical suggestions, and applying them in a sensible fashion.  I should write a book based on all my life experience and call it, "THE REALITY DIET!"  Or "THE SIMPLICITY DIET!"  Or the "REAL LIFE CURE!"  It is simple.  Watch your portion size, mind your carbs, move regularly and consistently, eat healthy, whole, unprocessed foods, have more good days then bad, drink lots of water, get plenty of rest, keep regular with your doctor, and have a positive outlook toward your life and your body.  I would love to expand on each and every one of these concepts, but that may just take a book!  I will share some of my favorite books, plans, and advice, in future blogs.  You will never hear me say that this is easy, but you will always here me say that it is simple!

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex...it takes a touch of genius- and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction."  -Albert Einstein

AND THEN THERE WAS ONE...

I am sad to report that Tera will no longer be a part of this blog :-(  That seems to be the decision, at least for now.  She is dealing with some personal issues, which is making being a part of anything extra curricular very difficult right now.  I hope for her sake that she continues to mind her health, regardless of not being able to blog about it.  We talked about her possibly resuming the blog in the future- maybe as soon as mid-January.  But you know what???  I DON'T HAVE UNTIL JANUARY!!!  I COULD BE FOUR-HUNDRED FREAKIN' POUNDS BY THEN!!  I DON'T HAVE THE LUXURY OF SAYING, "EH, AFTER THE HOLIDAYS."  NOPE!  SORRY!  I SAID THAT FOR THE LAST THIRTY-SEVEN YEARS AND WHERE DID IT GET ME?!?  I COULD LITERALLY CHOKE ON A HAM SANDWICH THIS CHRISTMAS LIKE MAMA CASS!  THAT URBAN LEGEND COULD BE TOTALLY TRUE FOR ME!!

If you can not tell...I'm pissed off!  I'm not pissed at Tera.  I adore Tera and she is doing what she needs to do right now.  I'm pissed off at the situation!  At having to do this alone!  Because I have to do every thing alone!  Always!  And people always quit on me!  I guess it's like my friend Wendy says, losing weight is the one thing you can not push someone to do.  It has to be on your very own timetable.  When you say so, and not when anybody else says so.

As much as I enjoy and need the support...I gotta cut you lose Tera.  I have to drop the dead weight (no pun intended) because my time is now!  I can not suffer another failed venture.  I simply can't.  Will not!  The show must go on!  I hope that all of you continue to tune in because I am not going anywhere!  It may be just Two Ton Tilly now, instead of Two Ton Tillies, but this Tilly is about to get mad silly because all this does is make me even more determined.  In fact, I've never felt more motivated in my life!  I'm on fire!  I guess I'm just going to have to pick up Tera's blogs and share more often.  I will do my best to write an entry every day.  I can not promise I'll be perfect at it as I took this project on with the idea of blogging every other day- a perfectly manageable feat for me, but I guess the ante just got raised.  It's put up or shut up time because now it's all on me.  No partner to connect to, or deflect to. 

“Life. Fire.  Being myself on fire I set others on fire.  Never death.  Fire and life. Le jeux” -Anais Nin

MY PARTNER IN CRIME

So I'm sure you've noticed that my partner in crime seems to have gone missing.  She missed this week's blog all-together, and many of you have sent messages inquiring about her absence.  I've held off from addressing the issue because I figure everyone is entitled to a bad week, but may I be the first to say that I am concerned for Tera because she is one of the most reliable people I know.  I never would have chosen her to embark on this mission with me, if I didn't believe her to be equally as capable of achieving the goal and sharing her triumphs and tribulations consistently with an audience.  I have emailed and called hoping to gain an explanation so I can lend my support, but have gotten no response.  This worries me.  I hope she has not given up.  Most of all, I hope whatever is standing in the way does not continue to be a roadblock to her success and healing.  It is a dim day for me because like you, I look forward to hearing about her experiences and gaining strength from her insight.  There is definitely something to be said for the synergy that exists when two friends join forces against the same fight.  Tera, if you are listening to me way down there in Texas, "THIS BLOG NEEDS YOU...AND SO DO I...DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING BY MY FAT ALL ALONE!!!"  

Weight loss isn't for the faint of heart.  I think we can all agree that having someone to brave the rapids with you can certainly add to your strength and success, but I also believe that sometimes we have to paddle on our own.  I am hoping to continue this journey as it was intended, with both of us bringing you our experiences.  For this reason and until I here differently, we will continue the format of each of us providing our entry, every other day.  But I want you to know, should things change, I will paddle alone!  I WILL NOT GIVE UP THIS FIGHT OR THIS BLOG UNTIL I REACH MY GOAL!!  Stay tuned!  I hope the next person we hear from is Tera!

"Teamwork divides the task and doubles the success." -Unknown

THE BEFORE "BEFORE"

So I  was digging around to see what I could find in the way of images of my former self.  I couldn't find very much.  I was hoping to locate more full-body pictures, and ones of better quality, but this is what I found.  Still, I think you'll be able to get an understanding of who I once was.  The sad part is, the reason there aren't more photos is because I never wanted any taken!  I still thought I was fat here.  Once a "fatty" always a "fatty!"  The mindset rarely changes even when we reach a healthy weight.  I was about a size 8.  Not my thinnest, but close to it.  I think at my smallest, I was teetering between a size 4 and a size 6, depending on the clothing manufacturer. Likewise, sometimes I would fit a size 10.  Never a size 0 or 2, but a healthy weight, nonetheless, for a girl of a 5' 4" stature.  I was very muscular and quite curvy.  I don't know if you can tell by the first photo, but I had certain "assets."  I prided myself on doing a lot of weight training.  I never worried about becoming to bulky.  I just wanted to be STRONG!

These photos were taken about seven years ago at age 31.  Now go back and take a look at my current photos.  What the "h*ll" happened!?  Years of stress, bad jobs, neglect, yo-yo dieting, and unattended medical problems have sure taken a toll.  Will I ever look this fabulous again??  I don't know.  It is impossible to turn back the hands of time, but I do believe age is just a number.  We can all look fabulous at whatever age we are.  I know this because many would tell you I looked better at age 31 then I did at 18.  We'll just have to see what I can do at nearly 38.  I have reasonable expectations. Perhaps I will surprise myself and exceed them :-)

"It's never too late to be what you might have been." -George Eliot

DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!

A very wise friend once told me, never show your "before" photos until you have your "after."  Well what if you have your before, "before" photos??  What if you have photos that show how fabulous you were before you gained weight??  I certainly could take my friend's advice and save myself a hill of embarrassment by not posting these photos until I reach my dream size, but what fun would that be?!?  It would be a cowardice move on my part because anyone can stand next to a size 24 cardboard cut-out of their former self when they are lean and mean and wearing a spandex bodysuit that shows off their new washboard abs.  No one needs the "new and improved" when they are stuck drowning in a weight problem.  What people need is someone who is right there in the moment with them.  So if anyone struggling with their weight is out there listening, I'm here!  Right there with ya!  Struggling too!  And no I haven't reached the "after" yet!  If I withhold these pictures until I have, then it just means I've already given up on myself.  I must not believe I'm gonna reach the "after" or I wouldn't have to hold-off.

It's not easy being this big. This is about as real as it gets!  Take a good look.  Did you see my chins in that one shot??  No make-up, no fancy clothes, no fancy hair, and no Photoshop.  I just took the pictures as I was on this day.  You know how in those infomercials for exercise equipment they always show people pushing their stomachs out while slouching to look extra fat in the "before" image??  In the "after" shot they are suddenly all sucked in, gleaming, looking 100 pounds thinner even though the caption says they lost only 15 pounds!  Well let's just say I have the "before" down, and I didn't have to resort to such antics.  The fat just showed up naturally!  No need to slouch here!  I am just that bloated and washed out!  My skin looks peakid.  I look tired.  I don't look the least bit youthful or energetic.  I actually look sickly!  My husband was quite right when he compared me to a meth addict.  Bare in mind, these photos were taken AFTER I had already lost 7 pounds!!  Good Lord!  I think I've deiced one thing after viewing these photos.  If I EVER write a diet book, fitness journal, et cetera, the front cover will be one of these photos with the title, "Don't Let THIS Happen To YOU!!!"

“To change one’s life: 1. Start immediately. 2. Do it flamboyantly. 3. No exceptions.” -William James