The number of things that have changed for me since I've started this diet is astounding. I can't say which of these things is directly related to the diet and which is not, because I am not a scientist. But I am someone who has lived in this shell for the last thirty-eight years and, therefore, has a pretty good understanding of the norm.
Let's start with my sleep habits. For years I have had difficulty falling asleep at night. I've been known to lay down at ten at night and watch every hour pass by on the clock, one by one, without so much as a wink of sleep. This has happened so often that the concept of even setting an alarm became more of a precaution should I fall asleep, rather than a given for waking me up in the morning. I often "awake" feeling more tired than when I laid down. Just as the day is about to begin, I am ready to start sleeping. I often attributed this to being a "night" person, and for awhile worked night shifts because of it. I never really attributed it to a sleep problem because I could sleep just fine if it were the middle of the day. Naturally you would assume I have sleep apnea, especially being severely overweight. Except, this problem dates all the way back to junior high and persisted during periods of my life where I was not overweight.
When it was at its worse, I became so desperate that I would eat a heavy carb loaded meal before bed in the hopes that it would knock me out enough to get some sleep; similar to what happens on Thanksgiving! It became that eating the wrong foods close to bedtime would actually help me sleep, rather than keep me awake as it does with most Americans, or so I thought. When that sleepiness began to follow every meal and not just the ones I had close to bedtime, is when I knew something was seriously wrong not only with my sleep patterns, but also with my body's ability to metabolize a meal.
For the last two weeks I have had less of a problem falling asleep at night. I'm still a night owl and I still don't fall asleep the minute my head hits the pillow, but I am actually getting sleep! I know this because I awake recalling dreams- something that hasn't happened in a really long time! Sure it could be the change in weather, maybe a reduction in stress, perhaps the new sheets, but I think it is because of the paleo diet! When you've had chronic sleep problems you're entire life and now all of a sudden you are dreaming every night, well that's pretty terrific. I don't want to jinx myself but I'm praying that this continues. Robb Wolfe certainly believes our ability to get restful sleep is connected to cortisol levels which are exacerbated by a grain filled, carb loaded, diet. Having made the decision to eliminate these foods has certainly improved both the quality and quantity of the sleep I am getting.
I have more energy. I have had an easier time getting my day started and have energy levels that remain even throughout the day. Generally, I awake exhausted, drag myself through the day, and just as it's time to start winding down I get a second wind, which keeps me up all night and into the next day. I'm sure getting sleep has helped tremendously in this regard, but on a more closely examined level, my meals restore my energy, as opposed to landing me in the arm chair where I must digest a meal for several hours before resuming my day.
Finally, I feel happy! I always feel depressed on a diet, like every eating decision is nothing more than a reminder of how much a fat slob I am and how many things I can't have! It doesn't feel that way this time. Even though many things have taken off the menu, I still feel excited about the choices I do have! Maybe for no other reason than it pulls you out of the monotony of what you have been eating. I seriously do not feel deprived. This I believe to be for two reasons. One, I am using the "80% rule," which is to either follow the diet one hundred percent, 80% of the time, or follow it eighty percent, 100% of the time. Or as Mark Sisson sees it, strive for 100%, knowing you will achieve eighty.
Two, is something very pivotal which Robb Wolfe said. "Stay in the moment!" Don't worry about tomorrow's meal, or how you're going to handle Easter. Don't think to yourself, "I'm never gonna be able to do this!" Wait and see first. Don't focus on, "I'm never gonna be able to have carbs the rest of my life." Just worry about the moment! If in that moment you can make it through another meal without bread, do it! If Easter comes and it's too much for you not to have Aunt Betty's potato salad, then have some! But for God's sake, don't ruin something that is working for you simply because you siked yourself out and worried about a failure that hadn't even arrived yet! This small concept has helped me, "embody the woman I wish myself to be!!!"
What's most remarkable is that none of what I just mentioned has anything to do with weight loss. I am excited about how this diet makes me FEEL!!!! That's never happened before. I haven't even worried about the scale. So let's hope that part is working too. I believe that it is, but I will be confirming this on this Tuesday for "Weigh-in Tuesday, " which we will now resume.
"What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?" - Robert H. Schuller
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
PARTY LIKE A GROK STAR!
I may have something in common with our early ancestors; an eating style. If by definition the word Grok means, to intimately and completely share the same reality or line of thinking with another physical or conceptual entity, than I am to the caveman, a Grok! Never in my life has a lifestyle change so agreed with me! What I have experienced in the last seven days alone has gotten me excited! I was dying to type this entry last week already, but held off hoping to give this experiment some more time and, thus some more legitimacy before jumping to any conclusions.
Look, all diets work. Anytime you are conscientious about your food and exercise decisions there is a payoff, is there not?! The diets never fail. It is us who fail on the diet. Is that because we are all just weak-willed, gluttonous, individuals at heart? Maybe, but I think it has to do with finding the right fit. See, if we're gonna be honest here, few of us are willing to hang in there if there isn't, by our definition, a real payoff. That payoff can be to look better, feel better, lose weight quickly, have more energy, stave off a serious condition, whatever. For some of us, it has to do all that and more in order for us to remain compliant. For me, I'm not quite sure what I was looking for or what it might take for me to actually get behind a certain diet, but I may have just found it. If there is a cure for insulin resistance, this may be it!
Insulin resistance is nothing more than a severe addiction to carbs. (That's my conclusion, BTW) What makes it different or more dangerous than say just some ordinary person who likes to munch on cookies and ravioli, is there is a physiological dependence there. The eating behavior has gone on for so long that the body has come to expect it, and depend on it! Just like breaking an addiction to a drug, your body fights you with "withdrawal" symptoms every time you try to lessen the addiction. Now if you've been fed a whole bunch of lies your whole life about the food pyramid, you may not be aware of any of this. I wasn't! For years I thought the solution to my problem would be a cup of fiber cereal every morning, no red meat, and jogging like a maniac, even though clearly that wasn't working. I had no idea I had a carb addiction that was so severe it was literally killing me! Because, yes, while I joke about being in love with macaroni and cheese, the truth of the matter is, I've spent nearly three quarters of my life on a diet, which means I've had a lot of bowls of Fiber One in my lifetime, a lot of lean turkey on whole wheat bread, and a lot of baked crackers as my indulgence. Who's thinking these things are carbs in the same sense that macaroni and cheese is!?
It's not until I tried this Paleo thing on for size that everything started to come into focus. My body has stopped responding to insulin because I've had one too many bowls of "healthy" cereal in my lifetime. If you think about it, if three quarters of the time you are eating fiber cereal and whole grain breads and snacks, and one quarter of the time, when you snap and can't envision another day of Fiber One, you are eating bowls of macaroni and cheese and ordering pizza, then you have a recipe for Insulin Resistance my friend! Carb + Carb = systems failure!
We shall call my imaginary caveman friend Grok for the time being like Mark Sisson did. Grok and I have so much more to tell you about this. This discussion is far from over so be sure to tune it tomorrow to hear more of my findings.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor." -Christian Barnard
Look, all diets work. Anytime you are conscientious about your food and exercise decisions there is a payoff, is there not?! The diets never fail. It is us who fail on the diet. Is that because we are all just weak-willed, gluttonous, individuals at heart? Maybe, but I think it has to do with finding the right fit. See, if we're gonna be honest here, few of us are willing to hang in there if there isn't, by our definition, a real payoff. That payoff can be to look better, feel better, lose weight quickly, have more energy, stave off a serious condition, whatever. For some of us, it has to do all that and more in order for us to remain compliant. For me, I'm not quite sure what I was looking for or what it might take for me to actually get behind a certain diet, but I may have just found it. If there is a cure for insulin resistance, this may be it!
Insulin resistance is nothing more than a severe addiction to carbs. (That's my conclusion, BTW) What makes it different or more dangerous than say just some ordinary person who likes to munch on cookies and ravioli, is there is a physiological dependence there. The eating behavior has gone on for so long that the body has come to expect it, and depend on it! Just like breaking an addiction to a drug, your body fights you with "withdrawal" symptoms every time you try to lessen the addiction. Now if you've been fed a whole bunch of lies your whole life about the food pyramid, you may not be aware of any of this. I wasn't! For years I thought the solution to my problem would be a cup of fiber cereal every morning, no red meat, and jogging like a maniac, even though clearly that wasn't working. I had no idea I had a carb addiction that was so severe it was literally killing me! Because, yes, while I joke about being in love with macaroni and cheese, the truth of the matter is, I've spent nearly three quarters of my life on a diet, which means I've had a lot of bowls of Fiber One in my lifetime, a lot of lean turkey on whole wheat bread, and a lot of baked crackers as my indulgence. Who's thinking these things are carbs in the same sense that macaroni and cheese is!?
It's not until I tried this Paleo thing on for size that everything started to come into focus. My body has stopped responding to insulin because I've had one too many bowls of "healthy" cereal in my lifetime. If you think about it, if three quarters of the time you are eating fiber cereal and whole grain breads and snacks, and one quarter of the time, when you snap and can't envision another day of Fiber One, you are eating bowls of macaroni and cheese and ordering pizza, then you have a recipe for Insulin Resistance my friend! Carb + Carb = systems failure!
We shall call my imaginary caveman friend Grok for the time being like Mark Sisson did. Grok and I have so much more to tell you about this. This discussion is far from over so be sure to tune it tomorrow to hear more of my findings.
"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor." -Christian Barnard
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
A PALEO HOLIDAY
My short ribs turned out amazing! Seriously, amazing! It was a perfect substitute for a holiday meal. I didn't once think about the holiday food I was missing out on. I generally serve this stew over egg pasta (surprise, surprise) with a garnish of sour cream and chopped green onions (similar to Beef Stroganoff) but the braised meat and vegetables stood fine on their own. My in-laws joined us for dinner so I did boil some pasta for their sake. I gave my husband the choice too garnish or not to garnish and he took just a wee bit of pasta and sour cream. We have since been enjoying the leftovers, minus the no-no's.
I have done this Paleo thing darn near perfect. A few minor indiscretions (I too helped myself to some sour cream and just a wee bit of pasta) but nothing even close to what would normally get consumed on a holiday. I'd say I have been just over ninety percent compliant, bearing in mind that you can do anything one hundred percent when it is short term, but the difficulty increases with duration. Because I don't plan on abandoning this eating plan anytime soon, I am okay with some small infractions in the name of staying on the diet. And by infractions I mean the worse thing I've had in the last six days was some potato starch in one of the prepackaged soups I ate, and the wee bit of pasta and sour cream I just described. Everything else has been exactly as directed.
I've had NO BREAD for an entire week! Not an English muffin, bagel, toast, roll, muffin, croissant, scone, biscuit, waffle, pancake, cereal, sweet, candy, cracker, pretzel, chip, cake, pie, tart, doughnut, (taking a breath) cupcake, pastry, cookie, macaroon, pudding, meringue, trifle, chocolate, krispie, brittle, taco, tortilla, pita, wrap, bun, (second pause) rice cake, melba toast, bagel chip, wheat thin, corn chip, cous cous, quinoa, oatmeal, a grit...I think you get the point. May I say as a carb addict, this is truly a miracle.
"It's so logical and so simple. Fat is the back-up fuel system. The role it plays in the body is that when there's no carbohydrate around, fat will become the primary energy fuel." -Dr. Robert Atkins
I have done this Paleo thing darn near perfect. A few minor indiscretions (I too helped myself to some sour cream and just a wee bit of pasta) but nothing even close to what would normally get consumed on a holiday. I'd say I have been just over ninety percent compliant, bearing in mind that you can do anything one hundred percent when it is short term, but the difficulty increases with duration. Because I don't plan on abandoning this eating plan anytime soon, I am okay with some small infractions in the name of staying on the diet. And by infractions I mean the worse thing I've had in the last six days was some potato starch in one of the prepackaged soups I ate, and the wee bit of pasta and sour cream I just described. Everything else has been exactly as directed.
I've had NO BREAD for an entire week! Not an English muffin, bagel, toast, roll, muffin, croissant, scone, biscuit, waffle, pancake, cereal, sweet, candy, cracker, pretzel, chip, cake, pie, tart, doughnut, (taking a breath) cupcake, pastry, cookie, macaroon, pudding, meringue, trifle, chocolate, krispie, brittle, taco, tortilla, pita, wrap, bun, (second pause) rice cake, melba toast, bagel chip, wheat thin, corn chip, cous cous, quinoa, oatmeal, a grit...I think you get the point. May I say as a carb addict, this is truly a miracle.
"It's so logical and so simple. Fat is the back-up fuel system. The role it plays in the body is that when there's no carbohydrate around, fat will become the primary energy fuel." -Dr. Robert Atkins
Saturday, April 23, 2011
EATING IN CONTRAST
It has been an interesting week. I think I have created quite the dynamic for myself. We kicked things off with some extreme carb eating, which not only allowed me to rid my pantry of all non-paleo foods, but it also served as a means of comparison for the start-up of the paleo diet. I then dove deeply into a completely grain and carbohydrate free eating style. So far, so good. I made note of all the physiological characteristics I experienced during and prior to carb fest, and have begun doing the same with my now protein pumped menu. I am literally a human experiment!
It is too early to draw any real conclusions, but I can tell you that I have noticed some changes. My husband switched over a day or two before me, so he too must be feeling some changes. He did complain of a slight headache and some gas. I am happy to report that I'm not sick, I'm not without energy, and my usual Meth-like symptoms are no worse than usual. I'm not going to say it's been easy, but so far it's been worth it. I plan to stick it out a bit longer and see where this takes me.
Tomorrow is Easter and I have a good plan in motion. First, skip all family functions where an abundance of carb loaded food will not only be served, but forced on you. Two, come up with your own tantalizing meal that does not leave you hankering for Easter bread and ham gravy. I am making Irish Stew. It's a very tasty dish of short ribs in a braising sauce with some root vegetables.
"The pride you gain is worth the pain." Dennis Ogilvie
It is too early to draw any real conclusions, but I can tell you that I have noticed some changes. My husband switched over a day or two before me, so he too must be feeling some changes. He did complain of a slight headache and some gas. I am happy to report that I'm not sick, I'm not without energy, and my usual Meth-like symptoms are no worse than usual. I'm not going to say it's been easy, but so far it's been worth it. I plan to stick it out a bit longer and see where this takes me.
Tomorrow is Easter and I have a good plan in motion. First, skip all family functions where an abundance of carb loaded food will not only be served, but forced on you. Two, come up with your own tantalizing meal that does not leave you hankering for Easter bread and ham gravy. I am making Irish Stew. It's a very tasty dish of short ribs in a braising sauce with some root vegetables.
HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!
"The pride you gain is worth the pain." Dennis Ogilvie
Thursday, April 21, 2011
HOTTER AND HEAVIER
He had taken the bait and I was devastated. I was convinced it was a hopeless situation. His parents had threatened to send him to military school if he didn't break it off with me, and their constant berating had finally caused him to look elsewhere. I hated them! They had gone from disapproving to being all out mean. I felt worthless. I couldn't understand what it was I had done for them to dislike me. I was a nice girl who did good in school and went to church every Sunday. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, and I had never been anything but nice to Mark and his family. They made me feel so ugly, like I just wasn't good enough for their son.
News of our break-up traveled around school. I had envisioned Mark's parents popping champagne. I had become so sad. I already felt self-conscious because I was overweight and now the one person who loved me had been taken away. Who was going to take that much interest in me again?? It's the perfect girls who get spotted from across the room, remember??
One day, weighed down from the sorrow of this couple, Kevin (Mark's best friend) had come to tell me a secret. Mark's dad did indeed hate me because I was fat! Mark had dated other chubby girls and his father never approved. I found this ironic considering his dad was a severely bloated version of Newt Gingrich with hemorrhoids! Mark's mother was tall and thin like Mark. The answer sat right there in the arms chairs of their living room. Mark's dad wanted for his son, what he had married. Forget the fact that they weren't happily married and Mark had always complained about how f*cked up his parents were. Mark's older brother had moved all the way to Australia to escape them. He was gay and apparently not accepted by them. You would think given the circumstances they would be happy for any girl Mark brought home, but no one seemed to meet their standards.
News of our break-up traveled around school. I had envisioned Mark's parents popping champagne. I had become so sad. I already felt self-conscious because I was overweight and now the one person who loved me had been taken away. Who was going to take that much interest in me again?? It's the perfect girls who get spotted from across the room, remember??
One day, weighed down from the sorrow of this couple, Kevin (Mark's best friend) had come to tell me a secret. Mark's dad did indeed hate me because I was fat! Mark had dated other chubby girls and his father never approved. I found this ironic considering his dad was a severely bloated version of Newt Gingrich with hemorrhoids! Mark's mother was tall and thin like Mark. The answer sat right there in the arms chairs of their living room. Mark's dad wanted for his son, what he had married. Forget the fact that they weren't happily married and Mark had always complained about how f*cked up his parents were. Mark's older brother had moved all the way to Australia to escape them. He was gay and apparently not accepted by them. You would think given the circumstances they would be happy for any girl Mark brought home, but no one seemed to meet their standards.
I ended up dating more boyfriends with bad parents and started to develop a complex about it. I never really got over it, nor did I ever regain my self-confidence when it came to meeting family. I was mortified when it was time to meet my husband's parents and I probably remained somewhat mean and mistrustful of them for far too long. That meeting had gone the best, but I was also thin and beautiful by then. Would the reception have been different had I been the chubby girl I once was??
I eventually found out that Mark had cheated on me many times. I was the slut ruining his future according to mom and dad, but he was the one had been with several girls, including the cashier he alleged to only be friends with. It was for the best that this relationship ended. The girl he dated after me was quite thin...with piercings, a spiderweb tattoo spun across her stomach into her navel, and was kicked off campus for illegal drug use. Mark's parents hated her. I bet they wish they had been just a little nicer to me ;-) Years later, after accepting a job in Florida, Mark had flown home to visit his parents and had hunted me down. He said I was the one who got away. He wanted me to leave my current boyfriend and move to Florida with him and get married. I'm glad I had the strength to say no as I think everyone can relate to the power of "first love." I didn't want to be with a cheater and I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't stand up for me. I deserved to marry into a family that was going to be kind and not judge me based on my dress size. That's exactly what God delivered :-)
I eventually came to realize there was a pre-existing turbulent relationship between my boyfriend and his parents, which had nothing at all to do with me. I have gotten a lot smarter since those days and now when a rumor comes to me that the man I'm dating dumped his girlfriend the same day he asked me out, I run the other way! I've also matured enough to want to believe that Mark's parents were just fearful of an unplanned pregnancy or a premature marriage. They had their accelerated-placement student on track for a good college. It probably didn't help that I elected to wear a white gown to his senior prom while simultaneously holding a bouquet of flowers in my hand; a decision made purely out of fashion but to this day makes me laugh at how it might have made them squirm. The irony is that Mark got into no better a school than I did. I'm sure his parents blamed me for that as well, but perhaps had he not been encouraged to spread his sperm all over town he may have had more focus.
As much as I want to give his parents the benefit of the doubt, I think they were just mean spirited. Especially, when it came to having relations with me it was such a risk, but they were okay with him doing an exchange student right underneath their roof. What kind of people treat a sixteen year old girl this way and make judgements about her weight?! Nothing, not even a, too hot and too heavy, relationship gave them the right to treat me as they did. I never forgot how they made me feel and I think it caused me to get into other bad relationships.
I totally understand how Ruby feels and can certainly say that being overweight has affected every relationship from my first on. While I am no longer the weak-willed girl of my youth who needed acceptance from my boyfriend's parents, what I've come to realize is that like so many other things in life, the being overweight thing...just not worth it!
"Treat others in a way that either protects or enhances their self-esteem." -Dr. Phil McGraw
I eventually found out that Mark had cheated on me many times. I was the slut ruining his future according to mom and dad, but he was the one had been with several girls, including the cashier he alleged to only be friends with. It was for the best that this relationship ended. The girl he dated after me was quite thin...with piercings, a spiderweb tattoo spun across her stomach into her navel, and was kicked off campus for illegal drug use. Mark's parents hated her. I bet they wish they had been just a little nicer to me ;-) Years later, after accepting a job in Florida, Mark had flown home to visit his parents and had hunted me down. He said I was the one who got away. He wanted me to leave my current boyfriend and move to Florida with him and get married. I'm glad I had the strength to say no as I think everyone can relate to the power of "first love." I didn't want to be with a cheater and I didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't stand up for me. I deserved to marry into a family that was going to be kind and not judge me based on my dress size. That's exactly what God delivered :-)
I eventually came to realize there was a pre-existing turbulent relationship between my boyfriend and his parents, which had nothing at all to do with me. I have gotten a lot smarter since those days and now when a rumor comes to me that the man I'm dating dumped his girlfriend the same day he asked me out, I run the other way! I've also matured enough to want to believe that Mark's parents were just fearful of an unplanned pregnancy or a premature marriage. They had their accelerated-placement student on track for a good college. It probably didn't help that I elected to wear a white gown to his senior prom while simultaneously holding a bouquet of flowers in my hand; a decision made purely out of fashion but to this day makes me laugh at how it might have made them squirm. The irony is that Mark got into no better a school than I did. I'm sure his parents blamed me for that as well, but perhaps had he not been encouraged to spread his sperm all over town he may have had more focus.
As much as I want to give his parents the benefit of the doubt, I think they were just mean spirited. Especially, when it came to having relations with me it was such a risk, but they were okay with him doing an exchange student right underneath their roof. What kind of people treat a sixteen year old girl this way and make judgements about her weight?! Nothing, not even a, too hot and too heavy, relationship gave them the right to treat me as they did. I never forgot how they made me feel and I think it caused me to get into other bad relationships.
I totally understand how Ruby feels and can certainly say that being overweight has affected every relationship from my first on. While I am no longer the weak-willed girl of my youth who needed acceptance from my boyfriend's parents, what I've come to realize is that like so many other things in life, the being overweight thing...just not worth it!
"Treat others in a way that either protects or enhances their self-esteem." -Dr. Phil McGraw
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
HOT AND HEAVY
The first relationship to come to mind was with my high school boyfriend. We'll call him "Mark." He was a Junior, I was a Sophomore, and we met on my first day of cashiering at a local department store. He had walked right up to me- chased me down in fact as I was exiting the store. He asked me out on a date. I found this peculiar because I had never seen him before, we had never spoken, we didn't have mutual friends, and we had not even worked together during my shift. I had heard about this happening to other girls- the whole "I saw you across a crowded room," but had never experienced it personally. My life seemed far too sarcastic for that.
It had started out with rides home from work, then rides from and to school, and then eventually dinner dates. At this point it had completely escaped me that the rumor floating around work was that he had dumped some other cashier for me, and hadn't bothered to tell either of us. Out of the clear blue this taller, slightly thinner, version of myself had approached me to say she was quitting cashiering, was cool with me seeing Mark, and wanted to end all the nonsense. Nonsense, I had been completely unaware was happening. When I asked Mark about it he painted the picture that she had a crush on him and was never more than a friend.
We became hot and heavy (pun intended) as I can think of no better way to describe my chubby love affair with this tall, dark, slender, and very smart guy. I was sixteen and it was my first real relationship. We went to school together, worked together, and spent every spare moment together that we could. We made-out constantly. In the car, at the park, after work, after school...LOL...ahhh...the good ole' days. His friends seemed to approve, not that this was a tough crowd to win over, and though my family was less than enthused, I think they were just happy that I had picked a relatively trouble-free, geeky, math student.
The first time I met Mark's parents I received less than a warm reception. His father showed his disapproval immediately, and his mother would barely lift her head out of her book to acknowledge me. I wasn't quite sure if I was reading this correctly, as I had very little experience meeting boyfriends' parents, but everyone had always liked me- school teachers, clergy, family, neighbors, friend's parents. I was at a loss as to how you could dislike someone you just met? Mark didn't seem at all concerned, in fact, maybe even a little used to it, so I shrugged it off thinking to myself, "I'll win them over." But I never did. Their disdain for me grew at an alarming rate. I was never invited for dinner. I never felt welcomed. And despite all the nice things I did for their son, they never bothered to throw out the welcome mat.
I had nearly lost hope when Mark told me they had invited me on a day trip. I was hesitant, but Mark insisted it was his father's idea. Finally this was my chance. They had agreed to spend some time getting to know me. I shopped for the perfect outfit. I planned in advance my conversation, and had even pre-prepared a heartfelt thank-you to let them know how grateful I was to be included in their plans. I had woken up extra early to make sure my hair was perfect and my make-up was just right. The phone rang and my heart sank. His dad had cancelled the trip. I begged Mark for an explanation. Are you ready...?? His dad had hemorrhoids. This stuff is too real for even me to make up!
We never got another chance to go on that day trip. I assume because his father simply did not want to. As a result the tension continued to mount. It reached an all-time high when his parents, who could not convince him to see other people, had invited a foreign exchange student into their house. They had forced him to cancel plans with me and show her around instead. It was just like that scene from the movie Sixteen Candles where Molly Ringwald gets stuck taking Long Duck Dong to her high school dance, except for one thing. He slept with her.
TO BE CONTINUED...
It had started out with rides home from work, then rides from and to school, and then eventually dinner dates. At this point it had completely escaped me that the rumor floating around work was that he had dumped some other cashier for me, and hadn't bothered to tell either of us. Out of the clear blue this taller, slightly thinner, version of myself had approached me to say she was quitting cashiering, was cool with me seeing Mark, and wanted to end all the nonsense. Nonsense, I had been completely unaware was happening. When I asked Mark about it he painted the picture that she had a crush on him and was never more than a friend.
We became hot and heavy (pun intended) as I can think of no better way to describe my chubby love affair with this tall, dark, slender, and very smart guy. I was sixteen and it was my first real relationship. We went to school together, worked together, and spent every spare moment together that we could. We made-out constantly. In the car, at the park, after work, after school...LOL...ahhh...the good ole' days. His friends seemed to approve, not that this was a tough crowd to win over, and though my family was less than enthused, I think they were just happy that I had picked a relatively trouble-free, geeky, math student.
The first time I met Mark's parents I received less than a warm reception. His father showed his disapproval immediately, and his mother would barely lift her head out of her book to acknowledge me. I wasn't quite sure if I was reading this correctly, as I had very little experience meeting boyfriends' parents, but everyone had always liked me- school teachers, clergy, family, neighbors, friend's parents. I was at a loss as to how you could dislike someone you just met? Mark didn't seem at all concerned, in fact, maybe even a little used to it, so I shrugged it off thinking to myself, "I'll win them over." But I never did. Their disdain for me grew at an alarming rate. I was never invited for dinner. I never felt welcomed. And despite all the nice things I did for their son, they never bothered to throw out the welcome mat.
I had nearly lost hope when Mark told me they had invited me on a day trip. I was hesitant, but Mark insisted it was his father's idea. Finally this was my chance. They had agreed to spend some time getting to know me. I shopped for the perfect outfit. I planned in advance my conversation, and had even pre-prepared a heartfelt thank-you to let them know how grateful I was to be included in their plans. I had woken up extra early to make sure my hair was perfect and my make-up was just right. The phone rang and my heart sank. His dad had cancelled the trip. I begged Mark for an explanation. Are you ready...?? His dad had hemorrhoids. This stuff is too real for even me to make up!
We never got another chance to go on that day trip. I assume because his father simply did not want to. As a result the tension continued to mount. It reached an all-time high when his parents, who could not convince him to see other people, had invited a foreign exchange student into their house. They had forced him to cancel plans with me and show her around instead. It was just like that scene from the movie Sixteen Candles where Molly Ringwald gets stuck taking Long Duck Dong to her high school dance, except for one thing. He slept with her.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
STUCK ON STUPID
I was watching Ruby last night on the Style network- anybody familiar with this show?? I've just started watching it. There are so many “fat people shows” nowadays- who can keep up? In fact, I plan on highlighting my favs in an upcoming entry, but for now let me give you the skinny (pun intended) on Ruby.
Ruby is a seven hundred-plus pound woman with a reality TV show showcasing her struggle to lose weight. She has elected diet and exercise over surgery after receiving news that her life was in serious danger. She is a southern belle who is socially well connected and prides herself on leading a very full life despite her size.
In this week's episode, Ruby droans on about a failed relationship with a guy named Denny. Despite breaking up nearly ten years ago, they remain friends even though she's never gotten over the the relationship ending as a result of her weight problem. She rehashes the details of their demise, over and over again, and appears to be as angry as the day it happened. According to her, during their eight and a half year relationship he pleaded for her not to be a ten, but to lose enough weight so they could do things together. He offered to help her with that, but eventually out of frustration, he started to see other people. Ruby labeled him a cheater, even though she admits the relationship ended prior to him dating other people.
As much as I can relate to the double standards and unfair hurt bestowed upon an overweight woman in a relationship, I found myself yelling at the TV, “get over it!” Who the h*ll still talks about a relationship that ended ten years ago?! Furthermore, if this break-up was sooo devastating that you still talk about it, and the guy is single, has remained your friend, and still holds to the fact that your weight was the obstacle preventing you from getting married, then holy sh*t, “lose the weight already!” I'm not saying that anybody can or should lose weight for anyone other than themselves, but I'm saying, if he means enough for you to still be talking about this than just lose the damn weight already! (I laugh as the words come tumbling out my mouth.)
Apparently, she has not been in a relationship since and has bellyached about how bad a guy he is- forcing him to admit on camera that he hurt her, cheated on her, etc. Why would you waste ten years of your life on that?!! Talk about stuck on stupid! Why not find a new guy! Or do what you have to in order to win him back. Whatever! But don't waste TEN years of your life obsessing about a relationship that didn't work out all the while not fixing the problem nor allowing yourself to come into a new relationship!
As I shouted at the television set I could feel my own words reverberating back at me! Why would a normal human being make their life so much more difficult; forgoing relationships, marriage, kids, certain social activities, job opportunities, etc. just for food! Hmmm..........good question! I guess that's what addiction does. Once again, it got me to thinking about all the moments I had missed out on in life in the name of being fat! I started reminiscing about romantic relationships, including the one I'm in right now. Like Ruby, how much of a role has my weight played in my relationships?? I began to examine my previous loves and look forward to sharing my discoveries with you tomorrow.
"How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'. -Martin Luther
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