THE WISCONSIN CHEESE DISASTER

My thoughts on Super Bowl XLV...??  What a joke!  It should have been called the "Recession Bowl!"  I never watched a more boring Super Bowl in my life!  By this I mean, the whole production, not the game- though that was a bit of a snooze also!  Is it just me or did the Packers not seem that excited to have won?!?  I'm more a Steelers fan but I thought both teams played well.  Still, it was just ho-hum.  Let's face it, if something exciting doesn't happen on the field, than you are stuck relying on all the other features of the show.  In which case, utter disappointment!  The advertising was lame!  Terrible!  What happened to the two-million dollar commercial slots?!  I guess the recession has hit advertisers as well because I can't recall one witty or funny commercial worthy of being aired during game-time.  The half-time show sucked.  The performances were boring, the artists poorly miked, and the singing mediocre at best.  While I'm a fan of the Black-Eyed Peas, I don't feel they were a good choice.  Their latest album is overly-digitized and does not translate well to a live performance.  Despite having also sung tunes from previous albums and a slightly awkward rendition of a Guns N' Roses song, both singing and performance was not up to par for an event of this magnitude.  And let's not forget about Christina Aguilera's blunder of The Star Spangled Banner.  Which I would be more sympathetic about had I not seen her botch it at least once before.  It begs the question, "how many times do you need to sing the national anthem before you learn the lyrics, and how many times do you get to f*ck it up before they stop asking you too?!?"  Geez, pop culture is on a fast this week.

Speaking of fasts, I'm sure you're dying to know what went on at my house during the game.  I did not cancel our little get-together, though once the news of illness got out a lot of people RSVP'd- no.  What's a matter, no one wants a side of sick with their Super Bowl!?  LOL.  One brave soul did choose to attend so I carried on with my game-day meal plan against better judgment.  On the menu for Packers fans was Wisconsin Cheddar Soup.  I had painstakingly prepared every last detail of this dish perfectly.  While I still had no sense of taste, I could start to detect the aroma of beer and garlic starting to take shape in this soup.  The final step- pureeing the contents in a blender until perfectly smooth.  So with thirty minutes to spare, I poured half the stockpot of soup into the blender.  Doubtful it would all fit, I pulsed the first batch.  Hmm...let's see if I can get the second half in without having to do it in batches.  Wow!  Every last drop fit.  Now the question is, did I leave enough room to blend without the steam blowing the lid sky-high.  We have success!  Perfectly pleased with myself and the result and happy to have completed the last task necessary to be finished with this ordeal, I began to lift the blender jar by its handle to pour the soup back into the stockpot.  As I do, the bottom of the blender jar unscrews from the base, and the entire contents of the stockpot of soup dumps everywhere.  Now here's where it gets interesting...

I have elected to use the blender on top of my ceramic cooktop because it makes transferring the soup back and forth from the very heavy and hot stockpot easier.  So I have cheese soup pouring down the front of my oven and underneath my stove.  It has seeped down the sides of my oven, in-between the stove and the counter-top, and has splashed all over the front of me.  It soaked the floor mat which I am half standing on and is finding its way across my wooden floor.  As if this isn't bad enough, I am screaming "HELP!!!!" at the top of my lungs for my husband to come and help me, and I am making no sound.  It is just like a horror film where a girl is about to get stabbed by the boogieman and she screams but no sound comes out!  Damn Laryngitis!  I start stomping my foot on the floor hoping my husband, who is in the basement below, will detect this distress call while I simultaneously rip my soup-soaked clothes off and throw them into the sink.  My husband eventually arrives with a look of disbelief on his face.  I start to cry not sure if I am more upset at the mess that lay before us or the fact that I just spent two hours preparing a kettle of soup that is now completely gone!  Within five minutes of the disaster our guest has arrived and is probably rethinking his decision to attend.

In short, we had to pull the stove out from the wall and wipe the top, sides, and front.  We had to pull the bottom drawer out and hand wash all the baking sheets, cooling racks, and cutting boards that were stored inside.  Because the soup seeped down the sides of the stove and, therefore, under the gap of the ceramic top, we had to unscrew and remove the top of the cooking surface.  This was after several attempts to clean the cheese out of the gaps using toothpicks and paper towels.  But before we could complete this task we had to first figure out, "how do you remove the glass top from the stove?"  We had to take the oven door apart, as it seeped into the air vents in the door.  My husband worked tirelessly to get the mess off the floor, while I tried to rinse the base of the blender which also has vents that were now clogged with cheese goop.  Anybody feel like having a party!!!?

The moral of the story is...when you don't feel up to something, let it be.  While this truly was an accident that could have happened to anybody, I'm sure my medication-educed stupor contributed to my lack of judgment.  Never ever, no matter how tempting, use your ceramic smooth-top stove as a works surface.  And last, but not least, always check to make sure the blender jar is secured tightly to the base.  I use my blender a lot and have never had the bottom come off before.  What luck!  I find it only slightly humorous that the first time it unscrewed had to be on a day where it was filled to the top with a very messy liquid that I had blended for the first time on my stove top.  Lesson learned.

So this fiasco has me questioning if I am fit to attend tomorrow's book seminar.  I'd really like to go, but I am obviously still sick and too over-medicated to be operating a car if I wreaked this kind of havoc with a blender.  I still don't have a voice, but I certainly feel better than I did a few days ago.  Still, I sorta have this rule about not venturing out into public when sick.  It always used to drive me crazy when sick people would come to work and were made to feel like heroes for it.  While others were pinning the badge of courage on them, I always wanted to give them a slow drop kick to the head as I could almost predict that by the weekend I would be home sick with whatever germ they brought in.  So I must bare this in mind before deciding.  I can't wait until this is over so I can get back on track!  We'll see how I feel tomorrow.  Till then...

“Luck is largely a matter of paying attention.” -Susan M. Dodd

The Yogurt Sagas

On my new frontier of removing chemicals and preservatives from my diet, I have dreamed up the concept that making yogurt at home with organic milk is a good idea. I have my Betty-Crocker moments, so why not go for Dannon Diva? I looked up the instructions online and thought, how hard can this be. Milk, a double boiler, a thermometer, plain yogurt as a culture starter, and a heating pad. Check, check AND check.
I added water to the large pan, milk to the small and then floated the small pan inside the large and got the water boiling. The idea is to avoid scalding the milk by using an indirect heat source. So I've got my water boiling and then the thermometer in the milk watching it slooooooowly raise. Im thinking to myself that my hair dryer could do a faster job, but we don't want to botch this job and end up with an unforgiving pot of actually sour milk, instead of yogurt sour milk. Mentally I am rooting for the milk-- C'mon 180. 10.....15.....20....minutes pass and I am cruising at a temp of 176. Hmph.... My optimism and patience are slowly waning.
I figured the milk was done and removed the milk pot to the sink to sit in cool water until the milk reached 110. No problem on this one. Stir in 3 tablespoons of plain yogurt so the little yogurt critters can do their thing with the lactic acid and reproduce themselves in a new batch of milk. Then I put the pot on the heating pad and wrapped the pot in a towel.

Now wait 8 hours....... blahhhh.

Im so impatient that I keep peeking cautiously into the dark pot. This also gave me a little time to stop and ponder what I was actually doing and then panic struck. WHAT if this was a huge and horrible mistake, and when I open this pot after 8 hours what I find is NOT yogurt, but rather that putrid and pungent equivelant of a baby bottle that's fallen behind the couch and been missing for about 4 days..... the level of rank that causes the nipple of that bottle to actually suck itself inside? ....and then if you're foolish enough to open it you get blasted with a disgusting rotton milk bottle fart? My brain is screaming ABORT MISSION, ABORT MISSION, bail out NOWWWW while you can still pour it down the drain! Then the frugal side of me is arguing, you spent 2.50 on that 1/2 gallon of organic milk....are you really such a wuss that you're not going to at least see what comes from this...you can have 64 ounces of organic yogurt for 2.50 instead of 6 ounces for 1.29.

So on hour 6, I've had one nervous breakdown and a dispute with myself that could arguably be borderline schizophrenic. Doctor, one asprin please. Better make it 2.

After 8 hours of torture, I am standing in front of this pot revisiting the madness of it all and marveling the kind of balls it must have took for the person who saw the first naturally occurring yogurt in a clay pot someplace to actually try it.

I popped open the pot and peeked in. There's liquid on top , and the solid stuff appears to be FLOATING..... Good news in this was that the horrid smell I was bracing for wasn't there. It actually smelled, well.....yogurt-y. I scratched my head and thumbed through my directions. Okey dokey....it says to stir, then refrigerate over night. More waiting......great.

to be continued......

SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR!

It's a dark day when you can't taste macaroni and cheese, nor bacon, nor doughnuts.  I had to pull out the big guns today to test my taste buds.  It appears we have a complete failure of the senses.  I knew my smellavison was off because I cooked an entire pound of bacon today and couldn't detect that anything was cooking.  Normally when I cook bacon the smell is so intense that I throw open the kitchen windows and run around the entire house closing doors and murmuring about how right the Europeans are to insist their kitchen has a door, instead of the American preference of an open-style kitchen.  But today, nothing, nada.  I wouldn't have been able to detect a skunk sizzling on a fire pit.  Figuring if I couldn't smell it was likely I couldn't taste either, I tried a piece of the fried bacon.  Nope, nothing.  Then I tried a bite of a doughnut my husband had excitedly brought home from Dunkin' Doughnuts earlier this morning.  Nothing again.  My last resort, break out the "in case of emergency only" macaroni and cheese.  It was like eating flavorless mush.  Pffftt!!!  Might as well go back to the alfalfa sprouts and bean curd because there is no sense in wasting a heavenly bowl of macaroni and cheese on someone who can't taste!

I barely have an appetite.  It was almost 4:30 in the afternoon today before I realized I hadn't consumed anything other than my dose of Airborne and a mug of Glogg.  My husband was pacing the kitchen like a wolverine looking for a meal so I made him a sandwich- fried egg, tomato, avocado, bacon and herbed cream cheese on wheat toast.  He said it was DELICIOUS, but when I "tasted" it, and I use that word loosely, it was flavorless.  So that's where it is folks.  No smell, no taste, and no interest in food...??!  Somebody call a doctor!!  I am SICK!!  Perhaps I have found the cure!  Science has it all wrong.  Maybe the Bariatric community needs to devise a surgery for removing the taste buds instead of part of the stomach.

I was frying bacon, not because I suddenly lost my mind and thought this was proper diet food, but because I was prepping some game-day food for tomorrow's Super Bowl.  Nobody likes to chew on cabbage and broccoli during a game so I thought up a menu that was more befitting of the festivities, but I never made it beyond frying the bacon.  I think I may have to face the facts, which is, that I am in no condition to have guests over and probably shouldn't be allowed within a touchdown (roughly one-hundred yards) of any food that would eventually go into someones mouth.  It is looking like February is off to a rough start and some of the festivities I was looking forward to are now in jeopardy.  I'm hoping I will be well enough to attend Tuesday's writing seminar.  As of right now, in addition to no taste, no smell, and no appetite, I also have no voice!  Guess I won't be asking any questions at this seminar..blhaha blah ha hahahah!

The good news is the husband seems to be making a proper recovery.  This was evidenced by his spontaneously random trip to Dunkin' Doughnuts this morning.  He is back to his usual behavior of playing video games all day (and you're the one having Carpal Tunnel surgery, Tera?) in lieu of doing any kind of real work.  He still believes in milking it.  No sense in rushing the recovery.  LOL.  But he has morphed from the horribly, annoying, whiny, dramatic, throat-clearing, sicky monster back into my cute and adorable husband which I am grateful for.  I'm telling you, never have we come so close to a divorce.  He becomes a completely different human being when he is sick.  We really need to finish that guest room we've been working on or next time I may just have to move out!  Me on the other hand- I'm pretty manageable.  I'm like a sick animal in the wild concealing my illness from predators.  Since I have no voice he can hardly complain about me being sick.  You can barely even tell I'm here other than the sad little sound of me blowing my nose.  This is the quietest I've ever been.  I'm sure he's loving that!  What's that honey...?  You need what...?  Sorry dear, I can't hear you...!

I have not weighed myself.  I just can't deal with that frustration right now.  Even though I have no appetite and have barely been eating, I haven't moved further than the distance between the bed upstairs and the sofa downstairs.  I haven't exercised since Wednesday.  I will just have to face my demons when this is over.  For right now, I need to focus on getting better. 

The Whole Nine Yards

Did you ever have one of those WTF days? On most days, I can get by with 1-2 WTF moments, but on occasion I have a day that is dominated by those little ironic idiosyncrasies that just make you want to laugh....or poke your index finger in your eye.
I got out of the shower, reached for my towel and went to wrap it around me. I had two corners reaching for one another under my right armpit, and my left hand went to close the corners on my thigh. I pulled on one, and the other one jumped back six inches. (hmmmm...) Then I yanked on the other corner, and the other one jumped eight inches behind me. (ack!) I find myself walking in circles in the bathroom literally chasing my tail and cursing the towel manufacturers for skimping on the terrycloth. WHEN did they start making these things so small, for goodness' sake? Its like the bathtowel has become a hand towel, and if we don't pay attention the handtowel size will become washcloth size....and then we may as well just break down to the fig leaf and be done with it.
I think that the sock gnome that steals left socks from my dryer has taken up a hobby of shrinking my towels.....
or.....
more accurately, I am realizing that I have to continue to persevere with becoming a healthier person. Or we may just need the whole nine yards of fabric to make a towel that will sufficiently cover my backside.

Greetings From Mars

I would like to take just a moment to say hello from Mars and offer my apology for disappearing off the face of the Earth. I let Jennifer down and also all you kind folks at home who are following our plight with us. Let's just say that I had reached a level of stress that was unsurpassed even for myself and I was having a hard time keeping up. I also had double carpal tunnel hand surgery in December, so my hands were rendered nearly useless for several weeks. Now my hands are restored to 90% of my pre-carpal tunnel function, which is awesome. The "electric shock" up my arms and into my neck has stopped, the spontaneous falling-asleep of my hands has stopped, and I no longer briefly entertain the notion of disowning either one of them. The only drawback is two little scars that you can barely see, and the middle finger on my left hand from the knuckle down is still numb for some reason. So if there happen to be any "e's, d's or c's" missing from my text, please excuse the typeo as I really did think I hit the key. I will be filling in for Jennifer to give her time to recoop (way to go Dario--keep your boogies to yourself next time ; ) ) I would also like to contribute a couple times a week hereafter, if you all will have me.

What I've been up to: I have not been dieting during this time, per say, but rather battling the urges to sit on my butt and stuff my face in boredom, self pity and bad indulgence. That in itself has been work, and actually productive because I am learning the self discipline to control it and move forward. The last two weeks have been particularly good for me. I am drinking water and not soda, I am making smarter food choices, and I am trying to read labels and eliminate as many chemicals and additives from my diet and my family's diet as I can.

I will say though that willpower can be a b@tch!

I had an odd moment at the store earlier, picking up some pre-sleet milk so I won't have to run out for my youngest child later. I picked up a Greek-style yogurt and then I found a sale on canned vegetables for .32 per can and decided to stock up. On my way to the checkout I passed the "Hostess" stand with the fruit pies, cupcakes, and doughnuts. *arghhhhhhh*

The Martian within was hollering! After quite the mental struggle, I picked up a lemon pie and put it into the cart and went to the check out with full vile intentions to eat at least half of it (if not the whole thing, after all, I'd been SO good!) I paid for my purchase and went to my truck. I put the veggies and the milk in and then picked up the last bag that had the yogurt and the fruit pie. NO fruit pie........ I scratched my head, double checked the cart and the bags of veggies. STILL no fruit pie. I checked my receipt and it wasn't even on there. Just the yogurt......

Now I am trying to figure out if I have gone nuts. I have been working so hard to fight these urges, I am wondering if I even actually put it in the basket....maybe the checkout girl forgot or didn't see it somehow.... Hell, maybe the guy behind me ate it when I wasn't looking. Then I considered it might be a divine intervention moment telling me to stay the path and behave myself.

I meekly got into the truck and ate my yogurt.

Mars sucks. Flying home to Earth, looking much like the shuttle!

TIME TO CALL FOR BACK-UP

I have missed some posts recently.  Given how sick I feel, I can't be sure that I will be able to make all my posts this week, or that I will have much to say beyond, "so I feel like crap again today!"  I thought it might be wise to call for some back-up.  I sent out a call for help to Tera to see if she could pick up some of my posts and be willing to give an update on what has happened since she quit the blog.  She excitedly accepted my invitation.  I am thrilled to have something to read besides my own jargon since I don't have the energy to do much else.  I'm looking forward to it and hope that you are too.  I will do as many posts as I can while I'm sick, and will resume regular posting once I'm healthy again.  In the meantime, I hope you enjoy Tera's commentary.  I spoke about possibly having guest contributors and I am happy to be bringing that to you today.  Enjoy!  Thank-you Tera for stepping up to the plate.

CAN'T CATCH A BREAK!

Can you guess what I'm about to say?  Well let me give you some clues.  I am curled up on the sofa with a blanket watching re-runs of The Golden Girls.  I have sneezed seven times in the last two hours.  I'm breathing out of my mouth.  AND I'm on my third dose of Airborne today.  This is like the 1970's classic game show, The $10,000 Pyramid.  If you shouted, "Things a sick person does!"  DING! DING! DING! YOU ARE CORRECT!

When I mentioned in my last post about getting sick- I was only kidding!  I didn't actually think I would end up sick!  There's that karma again!  I should know better.  It never fails.  Just as my husband gets over a cold or flu, I start with one.  Every time I think I have bypassed the "contagious point," I come to discover that I have already contracted whatever germ is floating around our house.  I was pretty sure I was safe this time, as I have been taking pretty good care of myself lately.  But here I sit on the sofa, tissue box in hand, ready to upgrade to episodes of Sex and the City.

I guess the one thing I forgot to mention about February besides the cheeriness and the Superbowl is that my husband and I almost always get sick on, or within a week of, Valentine's Day.  Why should this year be any different?!  The timing sucks because I am already depressed from "The Post Holiday Blues" without adding illness to the mix, and it certainly isn't going to be a plus for my dieting efforts.  Unlike my husband, my response to getting sick is a little different.  I don't stuff myself silly with food, as call me crazy, but having a sore throat not only makes it difficult to swallow, but it also hurts.  I've been know to drop a pound or two when I have a cold, but I usually find that it's nothing more than the atrophy of my muscle tone from a week of doing almost nothing!

I am hoping for a fast recovery, as I am really getting tired of the setbacks.  This diet exercise thing is really starting to feel like an uphill battle, but I must once again remind myself that this is real life and not some perfect backdrop for spontaneously consistent weight loss.  I will not be going to the gym until I feel recuperated.  In the past my stubbornness has caused a cold to turn into severe Bronchitis.  I do learn from my mistakes so as antsy as I may become, I'm not planning on pushing my body until I am in good health again.  I do find it disappointing that the very day my husband returns back to work I end up home sick, all alone.  If we could only learn to time these things better- where we our sick at home together.

When my husband said he was going back to work today I was excited to let the purification of our environment begin.  Break out the Lysol and clean sheets!!  But it looks like that celebration may be delayed a bit.