There's this strange green light that exists when it comes to heavy people. Talking about dieting, losing weight, or being too fat is an open forum, but do you hear such boldness or frequency with other personal habit discussions?? Does the smoker get attacked as boldly as the fat person? Can you imagine how well that discussion would go? (the following is merely an example, I have nothing against smokers)
ME: "Wow! Shhesh, you really need to do something. I can't believe how much more you smoke since last time I saw you?! Don't you care about how you look?! No man is gonna want you if you don't get rid of that disgusting habit!"
SMOKER: "Get the heck out of here, why don't you mind your own business, don't worry about me, I'm just fine!"
I have personally witnessed how quick discussions about other people's shortcomings get shut down, but when it comes to discussing a weight problem, that convo can go on forever. Here's another unique feature. I love when half the people commenting on my weight could use a diet themselves! Can you imagine if I had the same conversation as above, but hypocritically did so as a man while smoking a cigarette...?!"
ME: "Wow! Shhesh, you really need to do something. (puffing on my cig) I can't believe how much you smoke since last time I saw you?! (exhale of smoke) Don't you care about how you look?!
SMOKER: "What the hell, you're smoking too!?!"
Me: "Yeah, but I'm a man, it's different. Men are supposed to smoke. No guy is gonna want a woman that smokes!"
What is it about larger people and their inability to maintain boundaries?! It isn't just the way we allow our weight to be front and center, but it is also the way we overextend ourselves. We put ourselves last on the list and at the end of a tough day we overeat for comfort. I have recently discovered that I need to worry less about feeding myself physically, and more about feeding myself emotionally. I also need to stop delivering benefits to those that neither deserve nor appreciate, simply because it's what they've come to expect.
People will naturally take advantage when you let them. Some large people are so worn down by their size and feeling inferior to others, that they compensate by overextending themselves. Their low self-esteem forces them to be liked and get attention through means outside of their looks. What do most ladies do when being sexy and flirting to get what you want is not an option?!? Why do beautiful women get away with being a b*tch, but heavy people have to be extra nice!? I'm not saying this is society's fault, quite the contrary, but it is a commonality amongst women.
I recently put my foot down and started to say no to certain people and certain situations. It's funny how upset people get. "What's up your ass this week?" and "Why are you being so nasty?!" When did saying no become synonymous with being nasty??! I began to let people know that certain behavior was not okay with me and was no longer going to be tolerated. I also stopped swallowing comments that didn't sit well with me.
When I began taking personal inventory, I realized there was a whole bunch of people that had come to expect things from me without once returning the favor. I had friends who expected me to be available 24/7 for their meltdowns, but when I needed a shoulder to cry on, it would often take them days to get back to me. It especially became uncomfortable when I started to tell people I would only help if I got something in return. In tallying up a lifetime of debts, I was shocked at how many people I had helped repeatedly with a certain task for no compensation. Some had even benefited financially from my help, but now that it was time for me to benefit, they scurried like rats.
I personally find it appalling that after years of taking from me, I would have to be the one to bring up getting something in return. I love how quickly people pointed out that they didn't have the time or money to give back, but never once worried about what helping them was costing me. The free ride ends today. I guess I'll just have to be meaner, to make myself leaner...LOL ;-)
Often we hear about people who lose a ton of weight and how others describe them as having changed. "She really got an attitude since she lost weight, she really thinks her sh*t doesn't stink now!" "I think she was nicer before, she's really changed since having gotten thin!"
Tomorrow I will share the article that prompted this discussion. I have a funny feeling you will relate to it as I did.
"You teach people how to treat you." -Dr. Phil
As a former smoker (or trying to be a former smoker, lol). I can tell you, you're wrong about that. We give the people we care about a ton of power and it doesn't just apply to weight.
ReplyDeleteI have been lectured and been lectured about the dangers and the harm and the nastiness of smoking, and it goes on and on forever. I got lectured by my grandmother, my father, my stepgrandfather, my uncles and my aunts, ALL FORMER SMOKERS. I have even been told by a male smoker that female smokers are awful and should never do it. I have been told that no guy will want a smoker. Recently, I had a guy tell me he would never kiss a smoker since he quit smoking. We slept together that very night and there was plenty of kissing. I have had guys that are my friends and are smokers tell me they would never date a smoker because it is unattractive in a woman.
What you witnessed was probably someone who wasn't afraid to tell the other person to shut it. I had a great line. I tell people the truth. I tell them my grandfather smoked forever. He only had one lung when he died. It was the smoking that killed him. It was the gun shot to the heart. Anything can kill me at anytime and if I choose to smoke, it's my body. That always shut people up. I just got tired of hearing it.
For some reason, my family was never as verbal with the weight thing. I'm guessing it's because of my mom's problems. But, I know that we all talk behind each other's backs.
And it's messed up, but that's my motivation. I don't see my extended family anymore, nor do I talk to them. They finally crossed the line with putting in their two cents and I was done. My father thinks I'll regret it. My mom stands by me. I think I've lost over thirty pounds since cutting ties and have been way less depressed. Crazy, huh?
My point is, besides thinking you were grossly wrong about the smoking thing, anyone can put you down. Anyone can butt in way too much, on anything, as long as you don't tell them to stop.
And for the saying no being nasty, I hear ya! I get told I'm not a team player at work whenever I say no and I do more than anyone else does that's outside my normal duties. Those people will eventually have to learn that you're not there to be their doormat.
You can do this. Realizing you've been letting people do this to you should enable you to stop it.
Great blog! Sorry I rambled, bored, trying to kill some time. :-)
Great Comment! Thank you for that! Don't ever think that I don't want comments like this simply because they may be counterproductive to my point! It always bugged me that smoking got a free pass because, well, you can still be skinny and beautiful when you smoke so we overlook that bad habit, but being overweight...well you're just a fat dirty skank if you eat too much...LOL a bit extreme, but I've been made to feel that way on more than one occasion! Thanks for presenting me with your side of things! My best to you on the dieting and quitting smoking, double whammy! And thanks so much for taking an interest in me and my experience. I hope you continue to comment on my posts! ;-)
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