DISAPPEARING INTO THE ABYSS

I don't know what to say.  I've had a tough time as of late.  Things have been out of control and I have not done a very good job of coping.  If you are one of those people who look forward to sunny reports on health and fitness, you have tuned into the wrong blog my friend.  I've wrestled with the notion of keeping this space all about goal achievement and drive; making this forum one of accomplishment and cheer where no topic outside of wellness makes an appearance.  But that just isn't reality for me.  I have way too many personal demons to conquer before that can happen.  For those of you who are able to do that, I applaud you.  But it certainly isn't my experience, and if it isn't my experience there must be others out there who feel the same.  Yes, how nice it would be to keep every post on topic.  But if this journey has taught me anything, it is that everything is connected.  Every thought, experience, upset, and win is connected to how we eat and why.  Some of us eat out of depression, others eat out of loneliness, and some to celebrate.  Me...I eat for all those reasons.  To ignore all the issues going on around me and to only speak about weight-loss is to have missed the point completely.  I want to give a voice to everything.  And by giving a voice to other things, I am in turn, giving a voice to my own discord.  I am pumping up the volume on the voice inside my head that makes me reach for the cheesecake.

I can tell you that voice has been very loud lately.  Just a decibel below scream.  It has caused me to cope with my problems in the only way I know how- a reckless and indulgent style of eating.  That decision has cost me some time and triumph.  The goal I set for losing another twenty-five pounds is breathing down my neck and I am no where near the finish line.  I must face the fact that the first concrete goal I have set for myself is about to be missed. No Schwinn bicycle for me!  But I want you all to know that I am still in the race.  I can do this and I WILL do this!  Maybe not as quickly or as easily as once believed, but it will happen.  There is no journey without setbacks. Sometimes these moments are what teach us how to go on.  I have had to pick myself back up again.  The biggest lesson learned: food hasn't fixed any of it. It hasn't put me closer to God.  It hasn't put me in a career.  It hasn't fixed my finances or led me to any kind of awakening other than the one I'm having right now.  The one that says why do you keep using food for things it can't possibly provide?

Good question.  Because we all use something for comfort.  While I haven't had any big bowls of macaroni and cheese lately, nor have I gone on any major binges (I guess there's been some improvement) I haven't plugged forward.  I haven't continued with the behavior that is going to lead me to success.  I have allowed life's problems to overwhelm me and stagnate me into the abyss.  As if adding one more problem to the list, obesity, is going to solve my other dilemmas.  LOL

A few posts ago I alluded to some news I was awaiting.  If you haven't guessed, I didn't receive the news I was hoping for.  It devastated me.  It was the bad cream on top of an already burned cake.  But I must regroup.  I remain hopeful.  I will once again trust that everything happens for a reason and that the lessons gained out of this experience will one day overshadow the anguish of it.  I hope today is that day.  I can not promise that all future posts will be cheery, but I am committing myself to moving forward.  Hang in there with me.  This is far from over.  Thank you for your patience, understanding, and support.  I look forward to bringing you regular posts again and hope you will be there to share in that with me.

“If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.” ~Author Unknown