There is a whole set of emotions, both good and bad, that accommodate that. The good is the relief that I have found work, of course; no longer having to endure those sleepless nights filled with anxiety and fear. (My husband and I can not make it on just one income.) The bad- all those doubts that waste no time filling your head. Is this the right job? Will I fail at this? What if I suck? Will the pay be enough? Will I get along with people? How will we cope with being on different shifts?
Did you ever notice that even when something good happens, you are really just exchanging one set of disturbing emotions for another!? LOL Or maybe that's just me and why I need to keep my nose in the self-help/positivity books! I can tell you there are reasons for my doubts. I have had a string of terrible jobs where I have been under paid, under valued, and have endured abuse from my boss. They have affected my health, my relationship, and my self-esteem. I have been told over and over again by friends, family, and co-workers that I deserve better, am too smart, and too gifted to be settling for the kind of work I have in the past. Is that another fat girl characteristic!?! To allow abuse because others see qualities and abilities you don't see in yourself..?? I'm not sure, but much of it comes down to my own decision making. If the books I'm reading are correct, I am the one common denominator in all these situations. I am, even if only subconsciously, choosing to be taken advantage of.
I think much of it comes down to having started working at a very young age. While you may think the extra experience is good character building, when you enter the work world at a young age (in my case two years before the legal age) you really are entering an adults world. Because you are where you are not supposed to be, you learn to roll with the punches and accept questionable treatment as part of the trade-off for earning money. Funny how that mindset can follow you into adulthood. I was unusually independent at that age and didn't receive a lot of guidance from my parents. Their occasional input seemed to air more on the side of practicality. They were not taught, "follow your dreams" or "do what feels right," more, "do what you have to do!" So, in turn, that got taught to me. I abandoned my passions of writing and photography for more sensible jobs that I was good at, but secretly loathed. I think this led to a lifetime of unsatisfying work.
I may have started out tolerating unsatisfying working conditions because I was young, but it didn't take long before I was doing the same thing as an adult for fear I couldn't support myself. Employers know that and take advantage of it. Often times we are not locked into a particular position because we need the income, but because we either don't have the energy to make a change or are unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary to unburden ourselves, be it cutting down to one car, downsizing a home, or telling our kids or ourselves we can't have certain things. Can anyone relate??
I am proud to say the job I am taking tomorrow, which is still a long way off from the pay, benefits, or recognition I deserve, is in an area of interest I wish I had never abandoned. Is it too late?? Will it solve the pangs of depression I have about my career choices? I don't know. But at least I'm trying something different. If following my passions does not excite me enough to get past the long hours and less than impressive pay, than at least I know the next job needs to have good money, great benefits, and a ton of respect! Wait, does that still exist in modern day America!?! ;-)
The most important lesson from this week's readings is: You are exactly where you are supposed to be. I must trust that and believe it when I walk through the doors for the first time tomorrow. I can not allow myself to be a victim anymore. I must set the tone of respect and value for myself from moment one, and maintain that throughout this experience. I am not the fat, old, latecomer to this profession. I am the star!
“Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need.” ~From the movie Fight Club
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