EYES ON THE PRIZE!

What good is a goal without a reward?!  Yes, my health and well-being is reward enough, or at least it should be, but let's attach a bit of a prize to this anyway.  Oh, the old Jennifer would love nothing more than to make that prize a big fat casserole of macaroni and cheese; baked and bubbly with the buttery breadcrumb top! 

BUT!  I got something better in mind!

I would love to buy a new bicycle!  The bikes I've been looking at have no weight ratings on them.  Some enthusiasts have told me they will hold a person well beyond my pounds.  Other experts say they are only weight rated for about 200 to 250 pounds depending on the model.  I have spoken to riders who weigh beyond that, but I wouldn't feel comfortable putting my current poundage to the test.  I don't want to be the first woman in the history of cycling to collapse a frame!  Can you imagine that post?!  I'm getting a visual now...  

I would feel comfortable enough to try out a bike at a weight of say 230.  Even then, I would probably stick to a steel frame and at least 36 spokes, but I would be willing to give it a try.  Here are two of the models, in addition to the one pictured above, I have my eye on.

For the beginner, all three bikes have great features and excellent reviews. There is merely a difference in style and construction.  For all those wondering, there are companies that make bicycles for larger people which will support up to 550 pounds.  Of course they cost from one to two thousand dollars.  I simply am not willing to make that investment for a leisure-time activity.  It's bad enough I have to pay extra for my plus-sized clothing.  I'm not willing to enable myself any further.

“Keep your eyes on the prize and don't turn back.” -Bill Clinton

THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE

Today marks a new day for me.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life. This is a phrase I always thought I'd use once my weight-loss goal was achieved, but I need it NOW!  Today!  And I may need it again and again, every time I make a change!  What is it going to take for me to meet these new goals I've set??  The answer is simple... a lot more commitment.

Tuesday I went for a walk in the a.m. and the p.m. and I also hit the gym. This morning I went to the gym to do some cardio and I plan on returning later this evening to do some weights.  I am going to try and squeeze an evening walk in as well.  Is is easy fitting all this exercise into my day??  No, but it's necessary. Once you've reached your fitness pinnacle, it becomes a little easier to maintain.  But in order to get there you have to put in a lot of extra effort. Especially, if in the last five years your body has seen the inside of an ice cream parlor more often than it's seen the inside of a gym.

I have been sticking to my Paleo eating but I've made a few minor adjustments.  I've eliminated a few of the meat/protein meals for more fruits and vegetables.  I normally have a hard boiled egg in the morning with a piece of sausage or some other meat, and a small serving of fresh fruit.  Every other day I've replaced that meal with an all fruit meal, substituting the meat and egg with some Greek yogurt.  For lunch I usually have some turkey and cheese with some cut-up vegetables.  Every other day I've replaced that meal with an all vegetable meal of either raw vegetables and hummus, marinated tomato slices with cheese, or a salad.  I have predominantly saved the big meat/protein dishes for dinner.

I think these changes have shaved off a few extra calories and have reduced a bit of my sodium and fats intake.  I eat only good quality meat, but I have been eating some rolled up lunchmeat for lunch and sausage for breakfast lately.  Though I do buy low-sodium, small farm versions, the nature of those meats is still salty and less lean.  That's the trouble with eliminating carbohydrates.  Sooner or later you end up replacing them with less and less desirable substitutes and then you have to shake yourself a bit and reset to zero.  I am back to the chicken breasts and turkey burgers and shelved the hot dogs and sausage patties for a bit.

I am excited about the goals.  I understand that I may or may not achieve them.  Don't worry, I've already had that conversation with myself so that I don't have a nervous breakdown and give up should I fall short.  I do believe I will achieve them, however, and it feels good to be pushing myself a little harder towards making that happen.

"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." -Will Rogers

NO MORE PLAYING AROUND

I reviewed my situation last night and came up with some small but immediate goals for myself.  I will share them with you in hopes that you can help keep me accountable.  Beginning with the most obvious goal, the one this entire endeavor is about- my overall weight loss goal.  I have a goal weight of 145 pounds.  For a woman who is five feet, four inches in stature, that may not seem too big a goal, but trust me it will be.  I started this journey at 290 pounds.  That means if I accomplish this goal, I will have lost in pounds the same size person I am hoping to be.  Imagine trying to lose as many total pounds as what you weigh now??!

The government recommends a weight range of 124-138 pounds.  I actually think they may have increased that a little from what I remember in the past. Either way, not gonna happen!  And I wouldn't want it to happen!  These weight charts are bogus.  This may be why so many medical institutions have moved to using a BMI factor.  Though, all guidelines rarely fit every individual and often do not take certain athletic components into account.  At my lowest weight, when I was athletic and toned, I weighed 155 pounds.  I ran 4 miles a day.  I weight trained incessantly and had quite a bit of muscle.  I wore a size 6 and would get approached by people on the street and in the gym asking me how I achieved the definition in my legs.  Even then, I was no where near 124 to 138 pounds.

I believe I would be a skeleton at that weight.  People will tell you that my weight was high for a runner, but it is an example of how general guidelines don't always fit.  My father is seventy and has been running for the last thirty-five years of his life.  He weighs about 185.  No one would ever guess him to be anything more than 160.  At my finest, I could have lowered my body fat a bit more (hence the new goal of ten pounds less) but there is no way I personally would have been happy at a weight any lower than that.  Some people prefer the long and lean model look.  I prefer the slight satisfaction that comes with being able to make a bicep muscle pop out.

So I have 145 pounds to lose.  To keep my head from exploding I have decided to break that into twenty-five pound increments.  I have already lost the first twenty-five pounds and we won't talk about how long it took me to do that! Instead, we will talk about my next goal.  I would like to lose another twenty-five pounds by Labor Day.  Hear my reasoning.  I first have to work off the three and a half pounds I gained during my week of ballpark food and neighbor chow-downs.  I am giving myself this week to do that.  Then from the Weigh-in Tuesday of next week (July 4th) to the Weigh-in Tuesday of Labor Day week (September 6th) I would like to lose twenty-five pounds.  That is an average of about 2.5 pounds a week.  I believe that to be an attainable and healthy goal. 

My mother has a little thing she does where she buys clothes a size or two too small and then tries to fit them within a certain time frame.  I have never been a fan because I can't tell you how many times I've seen those clothes hit the donation pile when this plan fails, but in the interest of goal making I'm gonna play ball on this one.  I have purchased a windbreaker that is two sizes too small for me.  I can zip it closed, but it looks like one of those saran wrapped mozzarella balls you'd find at the deli counter when I do.  I would like to be able to wear this jacket comfortably and maybe even have some room for a sweater underneath.  I will be making a trip to Maine in October.  This jacket will come in handy.  I would like to be able to comfortably wear it during my visit.  I will take some pictures of the before and after for this goal.

That is it for now; three small but noteworthy goals in place.  I will continue to develop more specific and involved targets as I move further along in this journey.  First I have to get myself to a weight where certain fitness indicators become measurable.  I think before I can focus on more finite areas of progress, I must first get the pounds off!

“I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” 

-Jimmy Dean

TIME TO GET WITH THE PROGRAM

I am doing quite well with my Paleo eating, but a little summer fun and some socializing with friends, and it's easy to fall back into bad habits.  It's a dangerous thing, not having goals.  I think I have avoided restricting my results to a time-line because I have a deep seeded fear that quick weight loss means temporary weight-loss.  I understand that statistically there is little evidence to defend this notion, but I lost a boatload of weight before, rather quickly, and then gained it all back just as fast as I'd lost it.  Now I have this connective way of thinking that says, "the quicker you lose it, the faster you will gain it back!"  I consider this to be one lesson I learned the hard way.  While there is some truth to that for me, I may have carried it too far.  Now my weight-loss has no sense of urgency.  At the same time, I fear not meeting a set goal will catapult me into giving up.  I want to steer clear of the "what's the point- I can't really do this!" mindset which takes me off course even sooner than a lack of goals.

I haven't discussed what my overall goals are; merely mentioning things like being stronger, healthier, and getting off insulin medication.  But how strong?  How healthy?  How much weight?  And by when??  I haven't shared this with you because I haven't the answer.  I never believed in picking a goal weight, more a goal range, because anyone who has lost a large amount of weight will tell you it is often your body that decides this and not you.  I also don't see the point in setting a goal that upon reaching I may want to exceed.  But of course, these are excuses.  There is no worse plan than having no targets at all, and letting your already warped sense of weight management guide you to your fate.

I will be taking a look at the calendar tonight and drawing up some potential milestones.  I need to learn a happy medium- the thing I struggle with the most.  I need to push myself to meet some goals, yet be relaxed and patient enough not to achieve them artificially (dehydration, starvation, excessive cardio).  If seeing is believing, then my recent surveillance tape is proof positive that twenty-five pounds is no reason to take a sigh of relief when it comes to the seriousness of my condition.  All the on-line weight-loss forums have a big emphasis on goals.  I guess I need to get with the program.

"The difference between a dream and a goal is a time line." -Dr. Phil

SURVEILLANCE SHOCK

As if seeing that photo of myself at the ballpark wasn't shocking enough, I got another eye opener this week.  Let's talk about that supermarket camera@!*!? You know, the one that stares you right in the face as you calmly collect your grocery cart when first entering the store...?  There you are having a perfectly good day, feeling pretty good about your progress, a little extra bounce in your Nike's, and then BAM!  You casually look up and notice this dark and very large figure looming just behind you.  You are about to duck the knife that is sure to take a slice at you like the caped man from the Scream movies, when upon closer review you realize the large, washed out, dark figure is YOU!!  They ought to make that image available during your entire shopping experience.  I guarantee you'd skip the cookie isle!  That image is nauseating enough to make me want to skip my groceries completely and just walk back outside!

If your favorite store isn't equipped with this nightmare, be glad!  The one popular grocery store chain we have in my area is, and I'm starting to wonder if subconsciously this isn't contributing to my hatred of the place.  The name of the chain is GIANT, and that's exactly how I feel when I see myself on their cameras!

I got a lot of feedback from those of you who read Reverse Anorexia and it seems all of you hate how you look in photographs.  The good news is you seem to have a pretty honest perception of your weight when looking in the mirror.  Most of you see yourself as larger than you are.  No one seemed to have my problem; looking in the mirror but not having a true understanding of my girth until I see myself on camera or in a photograph.

Turns out one person is familiar with what I'm talking about- Rosie O' Donnel.  She reported her own body misconceptions on her radio show.  She claims she knew all along that she was overweight, but never really understood just how overweight she was until she started taping her talk show and saw herself on camera.  I can relate.

The camera adds ten pounds...let's pray it's more like fifty! - Me

REVERSE ANOREXIA

There are thousands of women who everyday look in the mirror and say to themselves, "God, am I fat!"  Often they are a "normal" size and some are even too thin, yet they throw up their dinner for fear of gaining a pound.  For me, being overweight has always been a different experience.  I have a unique problem.  It is a different kind of visual perception problem than what most girls experience.  I call it, Reverse Anorexia.

I have never looked in the mirror and hated myself.  I have never felt encumbered by my weight.  I have always been able to out maneuver any thin girl that I know.  Generally, I am fast, energetic, and on the move.  I am none of the things that ignorant people associate with larger individuals.  I am not slow.  I am not lazy.  I am not smelly.  I am not a slob.  Perhaps these perceptions are what motivates me to set such an example at the gym.  All I know is I have friends who are in much better health, but struggle to keep up with me.

When you are not a person who takes the easy way out (let's face it, if that were me I would have had bypass surgery and been done with this by now) it is hard to understand that you are failing by societal standards.  It is hard to rap your brain around the fact that you, this hardworking individual with high standards, is in fact, a big fat blimp!

I honestly don't know how I've missed it.  There are days I don't know how I got here.  I feel crazy sometimes.  I see the number on the scale.  I see the number on the tag inside my jeans.  I know how I'm regarded by others.  FAT! Yet, I don't truly have a sense of my weight until I see a photograph of myself. Some days it is really hard to reconcile.  I get rather angry and feel that I don't deserve this burden.  I'm a person who'd rather run than walk, yet here I am stuck at 265 pounds as if I've never left the sofa a day in my life!  There are people eating way more than me who have never hustled a day in their lives and they get to lead a normal life.  Dr. Phil would say, "but that ain't YOU...!"  So why waste energy thinking about it.

I don't bother asking God why anymore.  I know there is a lesson and purpose in all of this.  There are just days when it is hard to see.  There are days where I don't even realize it's as big a problem as it is, until I'm confronted head on with a limitation like fitting into a pair of jeans, squeezing into an amusement park ride, or having someone send that signal of disapproval about my size.

I wouldn't trade places with the girl who throws up her dinner, but I wouldn't mind borrowing her eye glasses once in awhile.  It is pretty challenging when you don't see what others see.  It's not like I don't realize I'm overweight. Maybe I'm just not into self loathing the way that society has taught us; I might have skipped that class.  But, I had no idea I was this fat until I saw a recent picture of myself.  Holy sh*t.  I was floored.  I can not believe that all that mass is my own!

Does anyone else out there have the same problem??  Does anybody else have Reverse Anorexia???!  Please tell me I'm not alone!  If the woman staring back at me in the mirror looked anything like the woman in the photo below, I would have conquered this demon a long time ago!

This is the picture that put me over the edge.  Maybe I should have skipped the fries at the ballpark that day (shaking my head).  

This is AFTER I've lost twenty-five pounds?!?!  Wow! Unbelievable!

"We turn skeletons into goddesses and look to them as if they might teach us how not to need." -Marya Hornbacher

NEIGHBORLY NECESSITIES

I can't say this week has been my best.  I'm generally very committed to my Paleo style of eating, but this week was a bust!  My husband taking a few days off work inspired some mid-week activities that are not typical for us.  Of course you already know about the Phillies game, which was foodapalooza. (Actually, I'm shocked I made it through that experience having ONLY had a hot dog and fries)  But if the Phillies game had been the close of my week instead of only the beginning, well, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

The conversation where I tell you that I also spent a day at the pool snacking on Italian sandwiches and potato chips.  Rounding out my week was a trip to my next door neighbor's house for cocktails and munchies.  As much as I should be feeling guilty, I'm here to deliver a message of good.  It's about the neighborly get-togethers that I deem a necessity!

Whoever said, "good fences make good neighbors," should be corrected. (Sorry, Mr. Frost.)  I think it is just one more thing we as a society have collectively given up (personal relationships with our neighbors) that in no way enhances our lifestyle.  I may be sounding a bit preachy on this one, but bare with me a second.  Test.  How many of you live in a neighborhood where no one really talks to one another??  How many of you know the first names of the people living on all sides of you??  Okay, now how many of you actually socially interact with those living around you??  I am pretty sure the statistic is is below par, yet a few decades ago this was unheard of.

I have friends who have had the same neighbors for 20 years and still don't speak to them.  In this day and age, no greater mistake can you make.  The best protection you have against crime is not an alarm system, it's not a dog, and it's not a gun.  It's having a trusting relationships with your neighbors!  My neighbors keep a watch out for all and any foot traffic.  They are always aware of parked cars or cars they don't recognize.  We always memo one another when we travel for more than a day.  I even have a neighbor who wakes up every night at 3 a.m. and scans the neighborhood looking for any signs of trouble.

I know not everyone gets this lucky; we have great neighbors.  But then again, not everyone puts forth an effort!  I know the names of every couple, in every direction of me, at least two houses deep.  I have an especially trusting relationship with my next door neighbors on both sides and the couple across the street.  No, we don't see eye to eye on everything.  We are of course individuals separated by age differences, income, and personal belief systems. But we respect one another and we make it work.  Too often people let political differences or other biases keep them from having fundamental relationships. I'm not saying it's always easy, but it is worth the effort.

Beyond the crime watch, is the camaraderie that comes with taking walks together, having yard sales together, and walking the occasional baked treat next door.  But the best thing you can do is have a few drinks on your neighbor's back porch.  You can get a buzz going, leave off some steam, have a few laughs, catch up on the goings on, and stumble home.  It's like having a pub in your back yard.  I highly recommend it.   If you haven't had this experience, be the one to initiate it.  It' never to late to build these relationships or to repair any strained ones.

Next time you go shopping for a new home, pay less attention to how posh the gated community is, how fancy the cars are, and how well manicured the lawns are, and instead, pay attention to the interactions amongst the residents.  I promise you'll be much happier with your investment.

Welp, there is it is.  My defense.  Sorta like the devil made me do it.  I could have went to the neighbor's house and drank water and ate raw vegetables, but what fun would that be...?  Tomorrow is the start of a new week.  A return to discipline there shall be :-)

"Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there." - Franklin P. Jones

PHILADELPHIA PHOOD PHIGHT

Speaking of having my day in the sun...yesterday I did just that!  I had a glorious day outdoors in the City of Brotherly Love.  I headed to Citizens Bank Park to watch the Philadelphia Phillies take on the Florida Marlins.  It was a great game and a great day out.  I hadn't been to a Phillies game in years. Nearly all the games have been sell-outs this season so I was fortunate to get my hands on some tickets.  The seats were pretty high up, but the vantage point was good and the weather ideal.

Nearly 46,000 people attended to watch the Philadelphia victory.  It was a sea of red as the fans packed the stadium.  I was grateful to be in the end seat of my row as if the cosmos new in advance the fat girl could use a little breathing room. The seats were comfortable and the crowd pleasant.  It was an ideal way for this dieter to spend a free afternoon. Except for one teeny little distraction...
THE FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everywhere you looked, there was some insane temptation!  For those of you who have never been to the city ranked the second fattest in the US by WebMD, and the one that earned a top ten standing in about a dozen other studies, you are probably unaware of the city's eating habits.  The Phillies playground is no exception, boasting of two restaurants and nearly one hundred concessions stands.  Citizens Bank Park was named "Best Ballpark Eats" by The Food Network in 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010!

The staple is, of course, the Philadelphia cheesesteak.  Varieties include everything from standard onions, provolone, and cheese-whiz to sandwiches that contained fried salami and red cheese sauce!  There was ice cream and funnel cakes.  Kettle corn and peanuts.  Turkey legs and cheeseburgers.  Pork barbecue and pizza.  Soft pretzels and beer.  Crab cake sandwiches, nachos, and cotton candy.  My husband is pictured above holding two containers of the notoriously famous Chickie's and Pete's Crab Fries; crinkle- cut french fries seasoned with Old Bay and served with a white cheddar dipping sauce.

Even if you had super powers enough to avoid all of these temptations, as clearly I did not (you will notice my husband is holding TWO containers of fries) you were given little choice when the Philly Phanatic began to skyrocket hot dogs into the crowd.  C'mon, give the fat girl a break!  That would be the hot dog launching machine pictured on the right, and the evidence of what remained of the airborne wieners pictured down below! 

The next few days will be a challenge.  My husband took a couple vacation days and the Phillies game will not be my only temptation.  Regardless, I am grateful to have the time off to spend with him and will momentarily suspend my obsessive diet plans until Monday.

The final score of the game: Phillies 3, Marlins 0.  

The final score for my diet: 1 order of Crab Fries & cheese sauce, 1 hot dog with mustard, 1 bottled water.

GO PHILLIES! 

A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz. ~Humphrey Bogart

MY DAY IN THE SUN

So what is my big motivator these days?  What on Earth would compel a two-hundred and ninety pound food addict to finally give up the chocolate chip cookies??  Well you would think the two-hundred and ninety pounds would!!?! But that's the funny thing about weight.  150 becomes 175, and 175 becomes 200, and next thing you know, 200 becomes 290, but you still keep right on eating.  The problem becomes bigger and bigger, pun intended, and yet you continue to battle this problem by contributing to it!  Overeating, and all its associated behaviors, is very addictive.  I will argue to my dying day, more so than Crack Cocaine, because it's a drug your body will forever need.  You can survive without Coke, but you can't survive without food!  Asking a food addict to count calories, is like asking a drug addict to only do one bump a day!

I've had to dig deep to find the strength, and more importantly, the motivation to carry out this lifestyle change.  Yes, being healthier, more energetic, living longer, is all very important to me.  But is it important enough on Friday night when that pepperoni pizza is calling my name?  When my life is in emotional turmoil and I am stressed out and worried about my job, bills, my life, my future, my family, will the promise of lower triglycerides outweigh the numbing affect a binge is sure to produce for me??  When I am feeling the emotional heartache of my childhood, my past, failed relationships, and untimely deaths, can I rely on the promise of a longer, healthier, life to carry me through when at the moment I'm wishing for a shorter one!?  LOL.  I've had to find a motivation beyond the obvious.

For me, that motivation is having what I've missed out on my entire life.  I have never felt beautiful, healthy, and strong.  I have been the fat girl hiding in the corner at the high school dance.  I've been the awkward teenager walking down the boardwalk with all her skinny friends.  I've been the young adult too self-conscious to take a seat with the rest of the singles at the bar.  I've been the overweight girlfriend, the fat wife, and the plump daughter.  I've been the chubby kid in all the family vacation photos.  I've been the over-sized business woman fighting her way through a boardroom of chauvinistic men.  I have been everything but empowered!  I have been every size, shape, and status, except healthy!  I have sucked it up, persevered, taken the back seat, and felt unnoticed, unrewarded, and unacknowledged for who I am.  No more!


I WANT MY DAY IN THE SUN!!!!!!!

I want that feeling that every other woman seems to get as a birthright.  I want that sexy, alluring, empowered, confidence that comes with being in control of your body, and not being controlled BY your body!  I want to feel good on the inside and look good on the outside.  I may never be a perfect 10. I may never be able to reverse the signs of aging or go back to my glory days that got wasted.  But gosh darn it, I can feel good at 38, look good for being 38, and be healthy and secure in my appearance.   I can still walk into a room and have people admire me. That is my birthright too!  I can hold my head high and be proud of what I've been able to achieve with my body even after years of abuse.  I can be healthy, strong, and yes, beautiful, even now.  It is never too late to be what you might have been.  Now you now where my drive is coming from, and why it is far more compelling for me to lose this weight than just to have lower cholesterol numbers.  I am going to borrow a quote from my new Sparkspeople friend, XPHOENIX and say...

"To get something you never had, you gotta do something you never did..."

GET IT RIGHT IN YOUR HEAD!!!

The discussion regarding what produces permanent weigh-loss continues. Please see DON'T LISTEN TO LOSERS, LISTEN TO MAINTAINERS! and THE EXPERTS WEIGH IN to catch up.  I have plenty to add to this discussion, but I am going to start with the most important point.

GET IT RIGHT IN YOUR HEAD!!

I'm amazed at how often people overlook this very essential key to weight loss.  I've endured hundreds of discussions about portion control, calorie counts, and which exercise promises the leanest abs.  I've suffered through all the cheesy Cosmopolitan and Glamour magazine articles dumbing down the information needed to get that perfect beach body.  I've Dealed A Meal, I've Weight Watched, and been properly introduced to Jenny Craig.  I've been to South Beach, gone Primal, and been in The Zone.  I've gotten advice from experts, help from doctors, and tips from friends.  I have been exposed to every single remedy designed to cure the fat girl.  Take it from me, while the plans differ and the experts bicker...you ain't losing shit until you get it right in your head!

You have to find the motive that will carry you through all the temptations; all the dinner parties, and barbecues, and meals eaten out.  You have to find the inspiration that will carry you past the hot dogs and the cheesecake, time and time again.  You have to dig deep to find the energy to drag yourself to the gym one more time this week.  You must find the drive that makes it possible to chose all this expert advice about balancing your carbs, drinking water, and skipping the dessert tray.  You must find the motivation over and over and over again.  If you are someone my size, you must find the energy to do this for possibly the next two or more years of your life.

If you've bought into the notion that all this is achievable by simply telling yourself, "I want to do this for my husband and kids," you have just told yourself a lie as big as your ass!  That ain't gonna do it!  If you think the doctor telling you to lower your cholesterol and lose a few pounds is what will finally tip the scale in your favor, you are crazy!  I have seen people on 10 different medications who are knocking on death's door still reach for a doughnut!  You better get real hedonistic and real selfish, real fast, and figure out what TRULY motivates you.  Maybe it's making love to a man you've only dreamed about, maybe it's getting to star in your own reality TV show, maybe it's about looking beautiful enough to piss your ex-husband's new girlfriend off.  I hope it's something simpler, but the worse it sounds the more likely it is true!  All I know is you have got to find the push that is going to make you keep going when all the excitement of week one on a diet begins to fade.  For me, the hope of lower cholesterol numbers and being around longer to enjoy my family has never won out over pizza.

This is your homework assignment.  I want you all to think about what will push you to carry on.  I'd love to hear what your big motivators are.  I'm sure some will be safe and politically correct.  I just want to be healthier and have more energy... BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!  Maybe you do just want more energy to play with your kids, but if I'm gonna get real with myself, that ain't enough for me!  I am hoping to hear some slightly out of the box responses, but if not, then I will be the one to break with tradition. Tomorrow is my big reveal- can't wait to hear yours!


"The ability to convert ideas to things is the secret to outward success." -Henry Ward Beecher

THE EXPERTS WEIGH IN

Yesterday's post, DON'T LISTEN TO LOSERS, LISTEN TO MAINTAINERS! was a good reminder of what ensures successful and permanent weight-loss.  I couldn't agree more with the experts.  I am a person who never, ever, ate breakfast, not unless you count Saturday mornings where I was sure to make up for the entire week with my insane-stack of panckakes, double eggs, and a pound of breakfast meat.  Somehow there were no reported benefits from that meal.

I now eat breakfast everyday.  It sometimes comes a bit later in the morning as I still struggle to get an early start, but I make sure that my first meal of the day resembles breakfast and not dinner.  I lived a lifetime of rolling out of bed, heading off to school or work, and not seeing a morsel of food until lunch, and most days, not until dinner. I never understood why I was fat despite going almost an entire day without a single calorie.  It took me getting here to learn how valuable a morning meal is.

REPEAT AFTER ME:  "STARVATION NEVER EQUALS WEIGHT LOSS!"


Anyone who doubts this is welcome to take a look at my pics as posted in DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!


Attempting weight-loss without exercise is futile!  Banish the thought!  I am telling you, I have tried it every which way.  Trying to lose weight, maintain weight, or have a body you are even just semi-proud of, is an impossibility without exercise.  Period!  In fact, I will take it one step further and say, not just exercise, but also weight training!  While weight training did not get a mention yesterday, there is plenty of research to support the notion.  Did you ever see those fat skinny people?!  They do not exercise or weight train!  They may smoke.  They may be light eaters.  They may have great genetics and metabolism, but they are fat-skinny for a reason!


The changes in diet are a must as well.  Even chronic exercise, as I've done that too, will not get you all the way there without proper diet and portion control.  I find the more you exercise and weight train, the more lead-way you have with diet and portion control.  It seems fairly proportionate.


Finally the advice to remove barriers, plan, track, and monitor progress is equally important.  If everyone spent as much time figuring out how they COULD do something, as they spend complaining about how they CAN'T, we'd all be in better shape.  I have a close friend who reminds me of that every single time I produce an objection.  He says ever so calmly, "Jennifer, let's talk about how we CAN make this happen, not how we can't!"  For that one phrase alone I will be indebted.


As for my monitoring practices, I weight myself daily.  I know that can be a bit obsessive and also damaging if you are not mentally equipped to deal with the day-to-day fluctuations, but I also have gained five pounds in a day before. Until my weight becomes more stable, I will keep a close watch.  I check measurements monthly and have a body fat scale that you will be hearing more about in the future.  


As for calorie counting and food journals I find it useful, but impractical in terms of time.  I have a pretty good head for calorie counts.  Years of dieting and being overweight has given me a built-in calculator.  When I am adding something new to my diet or engaging in a luxury item I may be forced to check, but otherwise I naturally know my limits.  As for the extra small plates, I've been known to stack food when necessary, so unless I want food spilling over the sides onto my clean surfaces I stick with the standard size and just make sure that I can see some white on my porcelain dinner plate.  If you don't know what color plate you're eating off, you are having too much food!! I use food journals when I get too far off track.  Old habits die hard.  When the amount of food and frequency of eating is creeping up, I whip out the food journal just to anchor myself.


I will continue with this discussion and actually get to my own personal techniques next post.  Thanks for your patience!


“To lengthen your life, shorten your meals.”  ~Proverb

DON'T LISTEN TO LOSERS, LISTEN TO MAINTAINERS!

Coming off our discussion about popular weight-loss shows like The Biggest Loser as discussed in the May 6th post, SO WHERE ARE THEY NOW...??,  I'd like to discuss some strategies for permanent weight-loss.  What enables one person to keep the pounds off indefinitely, while the majority gain back all their weight and then some within a year of having lost it??  What does the permanent weight-loss group know, that other dieters don't??  What things are they doing to keep the weight off!?


I've researched this subject matter many times and have compiled a short list of factors that may be contributing to their success.  According to the experts, the following behaviors are consistent with permanent weight-loss.


#1 EAT BREAKFAST!


If there is one concept that every one from The Mayo Clinic to Weight Watchers agrees on, it is to eat breakfast.  Studies show that breakfast eaters tend to weigh less than breakfast skippers.  Eating a healthy breakfast reduces hunger throughout the day and helps people to make better food choices at other meal times.  Individuals who eat breakfast are better at balancing calories with exercise.  Breakfast benefits include everything from lower cholesterol levels, increased mental concentration, to strength and endurance to engage in physical activity.


#2 DAILY EXERCISE


Ninety percent of those who successfully maintain their weight admit to thirty to sixty minutes of exercise daily.  Many walk or do outside activities, others visit a gym and participate in weight training, while others do a combination of both.  One thing is for certain, exercise is essential to permanent weight-loss.


#3 DECREASE SEDENTARY ACTIVITIES


More than half of all those successful at permanent weight loss report watching fewer than ten hours of television per week.  Others have reported substituting computer time and video games, for other more physical hobbies like gardening and bicycling.  Whatever activity you chose, one thing is for sure, if your day is divided up by a combination of TV time, web surfing, and sitting at the office, you are destined to have a long lasting weight problem.


#4 PLAN, TRACK, AND MONITOR


Seventy-five percent of former fatties report weighing themselves at least once a week.  Success is attributed to other self- monitoring activities like calorie counting, portion control, meal planning, and recording daily intake.  Funny how these exact activities have been attacked by weight-loss experts in the past, yet they are now being identified as key components in the success of those maintaining permanent weight loss.


#5 ELIMINATE BARRIERS


Those most successful at this were no longer willing to hide behind excuses like "I have no time for exercise" and "I have to buy junk food because I have kids."  All were willing to set up an environment for success which included everything from buying healthy whole foods in place of convenience items, to preparing meals in advance including packing lunches.  Replacing self-defeating dialogue like "I hate exercising" and "I gain weight no matter what I do" with a more empowered mindset is also key.


#6 CHANGES IN DIET 



The most obvious tool in successful, permanent, weight-loss is a change in diet. Those who are successful at maintaining their weight report the following changes: smaller portions, more fruits and vegetables, fewer fatty foods and sweetened beverages.  A large fraction of this group also made efforts to reduce or balance their carbohydrate intake in exchange for more fruits, vegetables, and lean proteins. Many reported drinking more water.


I'm sure you've heard all this before, but sometimes it bares repeating. Tomorrow I will report on what strategies I am using to lose weight, and which factors I feel will contribute to permanent weight loss.  Some are consistent with the findings above, but some are uniquely my own discovery.  


For more information on permanent weight-loss studies, statistics, and success strategies, please visit The National Weight Loss Registry!

“Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past” – Tyron Edwards 

NEW FEATURES!

I just wanted to take a quick moment to familiarize you with the features of this blog, and to introduce you to some new features!

1.) There are now tabs at the top of the page entitled "HOME," "ABOUT ME," "ABOUT THIS BLOG," and "BECOME A TILLY."  These are tabs to static pages that provide some background on who I am, what the blog is about, and how you can participate.  If you are brand new to this blog, these pages should give a better understanding of what Two-Ton Tillies is about.  This is in addition to my Blogger profile which still remains at the bottom of the blog with a small pic entitled "about me."  You can click "view my complete profile" to see more.

2.) I have added Google's "+1" feature.  For those unfamiliar, +1 allows you to tag your favorite search results, websites, blogs, etc.  It  allows you to recommend and share with your your friends without sending an email.  Here is a video to help you understand how +1 works.  Google +1 video.  You can recommend a particular Two-Ton Tilles post by clicking the +1 button that appears in the "comments/reactions" bar at the end of each post.  You can still email a post to a friend by clicking on the red "M" that also appears in the "comments/reaction" bar at the end of each post.  This will open a window where you can type the email addresses of your friends to automatically forward a copy of the post.

3.)  At the bottom of the blog, right below the "POPULAR POSTS" area, there is a window marked "FOLLOW BY EMAIL" with a submit button.  Type your email address in the window and click submit to be put on the Two Ton Tillies mailing list.  Every time a new post is added you will receive a notification via email containing that post.

4.) I have also added the "POPULAR POSTS" feature also located at the end of the blog.  This is a link list of the ten most popular Two-Ton Tillies posts.  If you are searching for a a particular post, at the very top, left hand corner of the blog, in the Blogger navigation bar, is a search window.  Type a keyword and a list of matching posts will populate beginning with the most recent post featuring the query word.

5.) If you are curious about numbers, above the "POPULAR POSTS" area you will find the "TOTAL PAGEVIEWS" count that records visits to this blog.

6.) There is a number of ways you can express opinions about posts and see what others have said about them.  At the end of each post is the "comments/reactions" bar.  After reading a post you may click on one or more of the "reactions" boxes to record your reaction, and also see others' reactions.  If you are feeling more expressive, you can click on the "comments" link to see comments from other readers, and to open a box entitled "Post a Comment," to type your own comment.  If you are a follower, please remember to sign in first so your comments are recorded with your name.  If you are not a follower, remember to include your name or initials if you want to be recognized as all comments are automatically recored as anonymous.

7.) IF YOU ARE NOT A FOLLOWER, PLEASE BECOME ONE! ;-)  It only takes a moment to set up a free Google account (if you don't already have one) to become a follower.  You can skip the photo or attach a cartoon image if you'd like.  It's encouraging to have followers.  I hope those who are enjoying the posts will take an extra moment to become a follower.  A list of followers can be found directly below the advertisements.  There is a gray "FOLLOW" button to click to set up an account to become a follower.  This is also where you sign-in before commenting on posts.

THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT AND I LOOK FORWARD TO BRINGING YOU MORE FEATURES! -jennifer

A JOURNAL'S READ

Tuesday May, 31, 2011 

I just finished watching the final episode of Oprah.  Her words were pretty powerful.  I couldn't help but feel like it was an emotional recap of the message she's been trying to deliver for the last ten years. Here it is, twenty-five years and she is now officially ending the show, and I still haven't been able to put to practice what I've learned from her!

I can relate to what she's saying now more than ever before, yet I'm saddened by it because I can't get it to work for me.  I've been standing at a crossroads for the last fifteen months and haven't been able to make a move in any sort of direction.  I'm still jobless (for those unaware I lost my job last spring) and entertaining job offers that are beneath me.  I'm still overweight and struggling with retaining a healthy control over my body.  I'm still broke (financially) and barely able to hold on to what I got.  And, I'm still being manipulated and mistreated by the people in my life.

I need Oprah's wisdom now more than ever before and Im left to figure out how to make this all change on my own.  I've had several rather painful epiphanies this week.  One, the sometimes cruel and distant relationship I have with my mother is being provoked by a set of circumstances I have little control over.  Two, if I continue to accept jobs that do not pay me what I am worth or treat me the way I deserve, I will NEVER have a career I enjoy.  Three, If I don't fix my family problems, career problems, and self-worth problems I am always going to be fat and unhealthy as it is because of this that I medicate myself with food and other bad health decisions.

I'm pissed off at how I get treated and how I've allowed myself to get treated.  I get taken advantage of by friends, family, and employers and I even take advantage of myself!!  This NEEDS to change!!  This WILL change!!  I need to fix my center; get focused and meditate.  I need to increase my self-worth and confidence.  I need to protect myself from those who have selfish motives and learn how to be in control of these situations.  I need to regain my POWER!!

A friend advised me to protect myself with the white light; to meditate; to envision the things I want and see the outcome and to do daily affirmations.  I need to do all this and more!  I think I also need to read some encouraging books from spiritual leaders and feminists.

I have been doing pretty good with my weight, but simply not good enough.  I have so much weight to lose and can not lose it as fast as I need to.  It is dragging on with slow results despite me having made some major changes!  I need to start envisioning myself thin and healthy and beautiful!  Me, at my goal!  Me, standing tall!  Me, being where I want to be!  I feel the same with my blog.  I have faithfully kept record of this journey along the way, yet there needs to be more readers, the success is not there, the magic has not happened. I need to envision the end result; a successful, popular, well-read blog that brings comfort to those who are suffering a similar fate.  I need to grow it, market it, and believe in the success of it like any true blogger would.

My mother has said a lot of unhappy things to me lately.  She has attacked my belief in God and been especially difficult despite my helping her with things.  Some of her comments and animosity have just not made sense.  Oprah said "God" will first speak in a whisper- just a "huh" thought.  I had that thought, that whisper that tells me my mother is getting her ammunition from somewhere.  The negative people that surround me I assumed are having a struggle with their attitudes, behaviors, and actions because of where in life they are right now, but it never occurred to me that their behaviors may be a reaction to where I'm at right now (spiritually).  Misery loves company and an unhappy person will sabotage the happiness of those around them.  Some people want you to be angry!  Because they are angry. Some people want you to be miserable!  Because they are miserable. Whether this is knowingly or unknowingly on their part is not for me to say, but it is for me to be aware of!

I will no longer fall victim to the conversations and criticism they want me to participate in.  I can not allow the lack of faith and negativity of others to snuff out my light.  I must learn to put up a protective wall of light.  I also must learn to control my reactions to their words.  I can not confide in some people.  I can not trust them to be happy for me and I can not trust that the the information I give and the conversations we have are being protected.  This is sad to say but I know it is true.

Oprah says you can not blame anyone for where you are in life; that you must take control of your life and life's purpose and this is what I intend to do!  I don't want to blame my parents anymore for my life decisions.  I have to think very carefully about how I want to spend the next 35+ years of my life- happy and accomplished or steeped in regret?  Do I want to spend the next 35 years broke, working jobs I can't stand for money not enough to fix my problems?  I must see myself happy and well paid.  Appreciated and respected.

I must pray for those around me.  I must pray that they find peace and positivity; that they stop living in fear and find joy.  I am happy that my family is religious but they seem bound by it.  They have absorbed all the sacrifice and judgement of being a follower of God without any of the reward and joy that comes with faith.  I want the best for them but I can no longer allow their misery and religious superiority to dictate my faith and happiness.  It seems when I am happy and peaceful they doubt my belief in God which is the exact opposite of how it's intended to be.  I will now strive to set the example rather than be in the role they have created for me; the black sheep.

I am going to read a prescription of the bible, spiritual books, and feminism books.  The bible has some touching verses but I also know how unrelatable the book is as a whole in 2011.  This is why I have never believed it is the "only" book one can connect to God through.  I will also pray and meditate.  Prayer is the "asking," "meditation" is the receiving.  I will also try my best to journal more.  I think it is important to record the journey.  I will search for images of spirituality, guidance, clarity, and confidence to add to my vision board, and I will place it in plain sight.  This is what I'm requiring of myself.  I hope the universe is prepared to deliver.

"If some indiscreet person reads this diary, I wish to deprive him of the pleasure of making fun of me by pointing out to him that this aims at being a mathematical and rigid report on my manner of being, neither too favorable nor too unfavorable, but stating purely and severely what I believe to have taken place. It is destined to cure me of my absurdities when I reread it." -Stendhal

 

A PRESCRIPTION FOR SANITY

I don't know how many of you out there keep a journal, but I have kept one nearly my entire life.  I started writing entries right about the time I took an interest in boys, and have continually recorded life details ever since.  Over the years I've written for different reasons; love-sickness, friendships, romance, growing pains, travel expeditions, wanting to record special moments, a failing memory, a sense of history, hopes of one day writing a memoir...?  But with every year of maturity, comes writing for newer and better reasons.

My journal entries aren't as exciting as they once were.  These days few of the pages have anything to do with boys or romance, yet they continue to be a near perfect record of my life experience at any given moment.  Putting pen to paper continues to be cathartic whenever I need it to be.

I can think of no more cathartic an experience than what this blog has been. Working through the issues of my past and the struggles of my current has helped me cope with the emotions and disappointments of being a thirty-eight year old woman who is double the weight she wishes to be.  While writing this blog has taken me away from my journal, I still squeeze in an entry or two when my emotions are at an all-time high and my thoughts and words come quicker and in a more personal way than what is appropriate for this forum.

I thought I would give you a glimpse of the thoughts, emotions, and ideas I have that don't always make the cut for Two-Ton Tillies.  I am sharing an actual entry as it was written on that day, despite being deeply personal, because that's how strongly I feel that journaling is a tool in successful weight loss.  Journaling, in my opinion, is a tool for personal success of every kind and on some days it is a prescription for my sanity.

Tomorrow I will post my most recent journal entry.  I will try and fill in any gaps with brackets.  I don't expect it to make much sense to anyone who doesn't already have a looking-glass into my life, but maybe, just maybe, someone out there can relate to some of the things that end up bouncing around in my head.


"Each thought that is welcomed and recorded is a nest egg, by the side of which more will be laid." -Henry David Thoreau 

IT'S GETTING KIND OF HEAVY

I can tell you what stopped the trips to Weight Watchers and Wendy's for my mother and I.  It was the death of my grandmother.  I can't recall a trip to any weight center after that.  I'm not sure if the timing is exact, but that is how my mind recalls it.  What I do remember is taking my grandmother to a doctor's appointment.  I remember because she absolutely hated going to the family doctor because of her size.  My mother carried on that legacy for a long time as well; avoiding doctor's appointments.  As my size increased I too became uncomfortable with going for routine check-ups, but my grandmother had a severe disliking for it.

She hadn't been to a doctor in a long time.  She started to complain of not feeling well and her personality was changing.  Suddenly she was very irritable and short tempered.  My mother and I took her to the appointment and were relieved when the doctor said she had the flu.  She was following typical remedies but didn't seem to be getting any better.  The news that followed came as a great shock.

My grandmother was in the hospital.  This seemed to happen in a blink of an eye.  It was explained to me that she had late stage Ovarian Cancer and only had a few months to live.  But my grandmother had the flu...?!?  It was a lot for my mind to rationalize at that age.  My grandmother had been misdiagnosed by her family doctor and had been hiding the pain she was in. When the pain became unbearable she was taken to the hospital where the diagnosis was given.  I can remember hearing some of the physicians whispering to my mother about the silent killer.  I also remember hearing that the problem was left go for too long so that the Cancer had spread through most of her body.  They would prescribe a level of treatment but ultimately she had only about three to six months to live.

I remember how fast those months seemed to go by as I watched my grandmother disintegrate.  I had never seen my grandmother thin a day in her life and now she was wasting away; this large, stocky, woman was now frail and incomplete.  My mother was devastated.  She's never gotten over it.  My grandmother died at age 62.

I'm not sure what gaps didn't get filled in for me as a child from the time my grandmother first got sick to the time of her death.  But I know one thing for sure, my grandmother's weight problem killed her every bit as much as the Cancer did.  Her obesity contributed to a lifestyle habit that did not include any exercise, did not include much self-esteem, and didn't include healthy interactions with the outside world.  My grandmother stayed glued to her living room chair for most of her years.  Most importantly, her weight problem contributed to a fear of living and confronting issues that kept her from routine medical care.

I can only imagine the pain she endured before finally agreeing to that doctor's appointment.  I've often thought about how in her own mind she had to know the diagnosis of the flu was not right based on the pain she had been experiencing; the fear she must have hidden along with her pain.

“More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.” ~John Kenneth Galbraith, The Affluent Society