So what is my big motivator these days? What on Earth would compel a two-hundred and ninety pound food addict to finally give up the chocolate chip cookies?? Well you would think the two-hundred and ninety pounds would!!?! But that's the funny thing about weight. 150 becomes 175, and 175 becomes 200, and next thing you know, 200 becomes 290, but you still keep right on eating. The problem becomes bigger and bigger, pun intended, and yet you continue to battle this problem by contributing to it! Overeating, and all its associated behaviors, is very addictive. I will argue to my dying day, more so than Crack Cocaine, because it's a drug your body will forever need. You can survive without Coke, but you can't survive without food! Asking a food addict to count calories, is like asking a drug addict to only do one bump a day!
I've had to dig deep to find the strength, and more importantly, the motivation to carry out this lifestyle change. Yes, being healthier, more energetic, living longer, is all very important to me. But is it important enough on Friday night when that pepperoni pizza is calling my name? When my life is in emotional turmoil and I am stressed out and worried about my job, bills, my life, my future, my family, will the promise of lower triglycerides outweigh the numbing affect a binge is sure to produce for me?? When I am feeling the emotional heartache of my childhood, my past, failed relationships, and untimely deaths, can I rely on the promise of a longer, healthier, life to carry me through when at the moment I'm wishing for a shorter one!? LOL. I've had to find a motivation beyond the obvious.
For me, that motivation is having what I've missed out on my entire life. I have never felt beautiful, healthy, and strong. I have been the fat girl hiding in the corner at the high school dance. I've been the awkward teenager walking down the boardwalk with all her skinny friends. I've been the young adult too self-conscious to take a seat with the rest of the singles at the bar. I've been the overweight girlfriend, the fat wife, and the plump daughter. I've been the chubby kid in all the family vacation photos. I've been the over-sized business woman fighting her way through a boardroom of chauvinistic men. I have been everything but empowered! I have been every size, shape, and status, except healthy! I have sucked it up, persevered, taken the back seat, and felt unnoticed, unrewarded, and unacknowledged for who I am. No more!
I WANT MY DAY IN THE SUN!!!!!!!
I want that feeling that every other woman seems to get as a birthright. I want that sexy, alluring, empowered, confidence that comes with being in control of your body, and not being controlled BY your body! I want to feel good on the inside and look good on the outside. I may never be a perfect 10. I may never be able to reverse the signs of aging or go back to my glory days that got wasted. But gosh darn it, I can feel good at 38, look good for being 38, and be healthy and secure in my appearance. I can still walk into a room and have people admire me. That is my birthright too! I can hold my head high and be proud of what I've been able to achieve with my body even after years of abuse. I can be healthy, strong, and yes, beautiful, even now. It is never too late to be what you might have been. Now you now where my drive is coming from, and why it is far more compelling for me to lose this weight than just to have lower cholesterol numbers. I am going to borrow a quote from my new Sparkspeople friend, XPHOENIX and say...
"To get something you never had, you gotta do something you never did..."
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