A JOURNAL'S READ

Tuesday May, 31, 2011 

I just finished watching the final episode of Oprah.  Her words were pretty powerful.  I couldn't help but feel like it was an emotional recap of the message she's been trying to deliver for the last ten years. Here it is, twenty-five years and she is now officially ending the show, and I still haven't been able to put to practice what I've learned from her!

I can relate to what she's saying now more than ever before, yet I'm saddened by it because I can't get it to work for me.  I've been standing at a crossroads for the last fifteen months and haven't been able to make a move in any sort of direction.  I'm still jobless (for those unaware I lost my job last spring) and entertaining job offers that are beneath me.  I'm still overweight and struggling with retaining a healthy control over my body.  I'm still broke (financially) and barely able to hold on to what I got.  And, I'm still being manipulated and mistreated by the people in my life.

I need Oprah's wisdom now more than ever before and Im left to figure out how to make this all change on my own.  I've had several rather painful epiphanies this week.  One, the sometimes cruel and distant relationship I have with my mother is being provoked by a set of circumstances I have little control over.  Two, if I continue to accept jobs that do not pay me what I am worth or treat me the way I deserve, I will NEVER have a career I enjoy.  Three, If I don't fix my family problems, career problems, and self-worth problems I am always going to be fat and unhealthy as it is because of this that I medicate myself with food and other bad health decisions.

I'm pissed off at how I get treated and how I've allowed myself to get treated.  I get taken advantage of by friends, family, and employers and I even take advantage of myself!!  This NEEDS to change!!  This WILL change!!  I need to fix my center; get focused and meditate.  I need to increase my self-worth and confidence.  I need to protect myself from those who have selfish motives and learn how to be in control of these situations.  I need to regain my POWER!!

A friend advised me to protect myself with the white light; to meditate; to envision the things I want and see the outcome and to do daily affirmations.  I need to do all this and more!  I think I also need to read some encouraging books from spiritual leaders and feminists.

I have been doing pretty good with my weight, but simply not good enough.  I have so much weight to lose and can not lose it as fast as I need to.  It is dragging on with slow results despite me having made some major changes!  I need to start envisioning myself thin and healthy and beautiful!  Me, at my goal!  Me, standing tall!  Me, being where I want to be!  I feel the same with my blog.  I have faithfully kept record of this journey along the way, yet there needs to be more readers, the success is not there, the magic has not happened. I need to envision the end result; a successful, popular, well-read blog that brings comfort to those who are suffering a similar fate.  I need to grow it, market it, and believe in the success of it like any true blogger would.

My mother has said a lot of unhappy things to me lately.  She has attacked my belief in God and been especially difficult despite my helping her with things.  Some of her comments and animosity have just not made sense.  Oprah said "God" will first speak in a whisper- just a "huh" thought.  I had that thought, that whisper that tells me my mother is getting her ammunition from somewhere.  The negative people that surround me I assumed are having a struggle with their attitudes, behaviors, and actions because of where in life they are right now, but it never occurred to me that their behaviors may be a reaction to where I'm at right now (spiritually).  Misery loves company and an unhappy person will sabotage the happiness of those around them.  Some people want you to be angry!  Because they are angry. Some people want you to be miserable!  Because they are miserable. Whether this is knowingly or unknowingly on their part is not for me to say, but it is for me to be aware of!

I will no longer fall victim to the conversations and criticism they want me to participate in.  I can not allow the lack of faith and negativity of others to snuff out my light.  I must learn to put up a protective wall of light.  I also must learn to control my reactions to their words.  I can not confide in some people.  I can not trust them to be happy for me and I can not trust that the the information I give and the conversations we have are being protected.  This is sad to say but I know it is true.

Oprah says you can not blame anyone for where you are in life; that you must take control of your life and life's purpose and this is what I intend to do!  I don't want to blame my parents anymore for my life decisions.  I have to think very carefully about how I want to spend the next 35+ years of my life- happy and accomplished or steeped in regret?  Do I want to spend the next 35 years broke, working jobs I can't stand for money not enough to fix my problems?  I must see myself happy and well paid.  Appreciated and respected.

I must pray for those around me.  I must pray that they find peace and positivity; that they stop living in fear and find joy.  I am happy that my family is religious but they seem bound by it.  They have absorbed all the sacrifice and judgement of being a follower of God without any of the reward and joy that comes with faith.  I want the best for them but I can no longer allow their misery and religious superiority to dictate my faith and happiness.  It seems when I am happy and peaceful they doubt my belief in God which is the exact opposite of how it's intended to be.  I will now strive to set the example rather than be in the role they have created for me; the black sheep.

I am going to read a prescription of the bible, spiritual books, and feminism books.  The bible has some touching verses but I also know how unrelatable the book is as a whole in 2011.  This is why I have never believed it is the "only" book one can connect to God through.  I will also pray and meditate.  Prayer is the "asking," "meditation" is the receiving.  I will also try my best to journal more.  I think it is important to record the journey.  I will search for images of spirituality, guidance, clarity, and confidence to add to my vision board, and I will place it in plain sight.  This is what I'm requiring of myself.  I hope the universe is prepared to deliver.

"If some indiscreet person reads this diary, I wish to deprive him of the pleasure of making fun of me by pointing out to him that this aims at being a mathematical and rigid report on my manner of being, neither too favorable nor too unfavorable, but stating purely and severely what I believe to have taken place. It is destined to cure me of my absurdities when I reread it." -Stendhal