PUT IT AT THE TOP OF YOUR X-MAS LIST!

 

  Apple Website/ I-pod Nano 

Who doesn't love Apple products!??  Okay, maybe Microsoft doesn't and a few others out there, but I DO and I can not recommend enough the newest I-pod Nano!  At 1.14" by 1.24" it easily clips to your shirt collar, t-shirt sleeve, or other apparel.  No more clunky devices to carry around on arm bands that cut your circulation off!  It is especially great if you are a mover and a shaker like me.  If you do any high-impact exercise like running or flailing your arms back and forth on an Elliptical machine, it has no greater purpose.  It stays put on my shirt collar and is so light I often have to check to make sure it is still there.  It has done wonders for my workout!  And get this, it has a built-in pedometer that you can use by itself or paired with the Nike sports kit which coaches you on miles traveled and calories burned through a voice that is cheering you on in your ear buds.  Did I mention it also has a built-in radio??  

The Nano retails for between $149 and $179 (ouch!) depending on whether you desire the 8GB or 16GB memory size.  It is money well spent, especially if it keeps you motivated during exercise.  All I had to do was add up the money I'm saving on macaroni and cheese and it paid for itself!  LOL!  Actually, I got mine for free through credit card points.  You may want to check if any of your cards offer the Nano in the rewards catalog.  You can also purchase the I-pod Shuffle for a reasonable $49, but it's minus the touch screen and pedometer.  Both devices come in a variety of cool colors.  As you can see I selected the pink.  I'm done doing my commercial.  I just wanted to say that if you or anyone you know is trying to get back to the gym, this is a really great item to help motivate!

"A lot of companies have chosen to downsize, and maybe that was the right thing for them. We chose a different path. Our belief was that if we kept putting great products in front of customers, they would continue to open their wallets." -Steve Jobs

A Dieters Nightmare and Defense

The holidays are absolutely, positively a dieter's worst nightmare...... Even with as good as we try to be, it seems that the tiniest taste or glimpse of some of these "traditional" holiday dishes is enough to crumple the strongest of wills.

As you know, I had the job of attending 3 thanksgiving meals.... my last two went fairly well, with the exception of the consumption of a piece of pumpkin pie at one, and a piece of cherry pie at the other..small slices, but slices nonetheless. Even though I monitored what went on my plate, I still feel vile....like I robbed a store or something. I don't know why I am stuck on the all-or-nothing mentality. I can only surmise it is from the period I went through in high school where I skipped meals left and right and ate next to nothing. The ONLY time in my life where I have lost a significant amount of weight, but also probably a keystone in the mental battle of all of this. My feral brain keeps running back to "hey this worked before" but the more logical brain says "shut up stupid, see where that got you?" Its like I now have two hamsters fighting for control in my wheel. (YES, hamsters....their behavior and twitchy-ness best describes the nonsense that arises in my brain. HAHA) I think that is what kept sending me back to a million "DAY ONE" of a diet that I have been through. Now Im just on day 29 and revamping my strategy. That in itself is huge for me.

Now I get to go to the grocery store and attempt to choose healthy options that are affordable while fighting two kids in the shopping cart.......

MOURNING THE LEFTOVERS

First things first, a big shout-out to my very talented graphic-artist friend, Scott, for doing a bang-up job on Tilly (our new graphic).  For those of you unfamiliar with the origin of the term "Two-Ton Tilly," the estranged cousin of "Two-Ton Tessie," Tilly refers to a British military tank.  SO...Tera and I brainstormed the image that now appears in our header.  Kudos for all the details Scott!  We especially love the cupcake tattoo, and the fact that Tilly is motoring over a box of pizza!  May I also add that the resemblance is overwhelming, especially the large tank cannon emanating from Tilly's endowed upper half.

My Thanksgiving meal was amazing and not nearly as scary as what you described, Tera.  The chicken, though the skin got a little dark, was moist and delicious.  The sweet potatoes were simple, but tasty.  The Brussels sprouts were so good I wanted seconds, but the standout dish was the pistachio brown-butter cake with Concord grapes I made for dessert.  It was soo good I had to give the cake away as I could not be trusted to sleep under the same roof housing this decadent delight.  I would say this meal was a satisfactory replacement for the traditional turkey and gravy most of America dined on this holiday.  So then why did I wake up the next day mourning the traditional Thanksgiving leftovers?!?

Thanksgiving isn't just that big fat meal you have with the family, it is the hot turkey sandwich you make the next day for lunch, the potato filling you reheat for dinner, and the pumpkin pie that somehow follows you into the next week!  Every day I do this diet I learn just how emotional eating really is.  It's not just the obvious things I need to plan for, like brainstorming a healthy meal in exchange for the turkey swimming in heart-attack gravy, it is all the other thoughts, urges, and instincts that kick in whenever food is the main event.  The cues, sometimes unbeknown to myself, are buried just below the surface.  Years of eating as ritual has ensured this.  I don't have a strategy worked out for the leftovers, but at least I know what pitfalls can potentially be lurking around the Thanksgiving Day corner.  For right now I'm going to try and build a new tradition in leftovers with my cranberry chicken and Brussels sprouts.  Perhaps tomorrow I will construct a leftover hot chicken and cranberry sandwich that will rival anything I've had in years past.  I'll let you know how that goes.  Till then, I hope everybody is enjoying their leftovers!


"Tradition is the illusion of permanence." -Woody Allen

An Alfred Hitchcock Thanksgiving

My family traveled from Rosenberg to Dallas to spend Thanksgiving with my brother-in-law and his family, which is great fun because they have two girls the same age as my boys and it is always neat to watch them play.

Thanksgiving morning started in my mind's eye, very much the same that a good Alfred Hitchcock flick would start-- the little theme song, black and white set, and that portly bellied silohette on the backdrop..... only the song is running through my head and the pot belly belongs to me. (Everything was still in color, but in moments of panick I did have black and white flashes-- especially when it was my job to unwrap and rinse the turkey--- you know that one famous scene where the blood is running with the water down the shower drain? Yeah, I had that from a turkey in a kitchen sink. Surreal.)

Anyway, the morning started with our cast of characters--- 4 kids under the age of 4 chasing each other down the hall, through the living room, into the kitchen to zing one, two, three times around the island before bopping back onto the couches, bouncing off a wall and thundering up a flight of stairs. My brother in law was doing up some dishes and cleaning the cook surfaces, my husband ran to get canned CINNAMON ROLLS >>dum, dum, duuuuuhhhmmmm<<>>>REEK REEK REEK REEK EEEEK!<<< The black and white commences to the slightly off kilter filming of the scene just outside the garage with a huge kettle filled with hot oil, the murdered turkey gets plunged in to get rid of the evidence..... The 'criminals' look over to the door where I am peeking from and give me the oddest look....LOL.
SO the turkey was fried. I got the small salad plate instead of the large dinner plate and took 1/3 portions of the meats, and a tablespoon of everything else. I skipped the gravy. And the seconds. I think I was the only person that didn't waddle away and beach myself.
Now the hamster that runs the wheel in my brain was throwing an absolute fit! He was screaming "bring it on ALFRED" the whole time....fuzzy little jerk-face. My hamster is suffering from some serious unsoliceted work related stress (I'll tell you later Jennifer, and GREAT job by the way on your holiday meal, it sounds delicious!!!)
But the good news is, I have not GAINED any weight. Normally between Halloween and Thanksgiving, we're looking at 5-7 pounds in candy, holiday food, and baked goods. I am a total of 4 pounds down, so 259~
I still have to make it through thanksgiving with my mom tomorrow and thanksgiving with my dad on Sunday........ PRAY FOR ME, Dear Jesus give me strength to control and moderate my munching with wise and healthy decisions for the good of my body. Also please tell my hamster to remember his meds, he's in desparate need of a 'chill pill'
SO the Hitchcock sequel continues--- will the fat lady fail to fill her silohette? Will there be more bird murder?? Stay tuned!

THANKSGIVING SHOWDOWN!

I am making Thanksgiving dinner this year and no one in my family is interested in attending.  That may be because I announced it will be a much healthier version than what is customary.  My mother-in-law will be making a guest appearance, but I think even she has the good sense to eat at home first.  LOL.  My husband's on board with the idea so I think that is awesome.  I'm not doing this because I think having turkey and gravy one day a year is a sin, but more because I am tired of bowing to the pressure to do what's best for everyone else instead of myself.  Maybe next year I'll have the usual, but this year I am trying something different.  I'm preparing "Cranberry and Lime Drunken Chicken," "Cuban Style Roasted Sweet Potatoes," and "Brussels Sprouts with Marjoram and Pine Nuts."

You can find the recipe for the chicken in the November issue of "O" magazine or on the website (Cranberry and Lime-Leaf Drunken Chicken)  The Brussels sprouts are an old Bon Appetit recipe, but can be obtained at Brussels Sprouts with Marjoram and Pine Nuts/ Bone Appetit.  I'm not sure where the sweet potato recipe originally came from, but there are plenty of similar versions on the web.  For dessert I plan to make Pistachio Brown-butter Cake with Concord Grapes. 

I will be marinating the chicken tonight and most likely baking the cake.  I'm sure while I do this visions of candied sweet potatoes and hills of potato filling soaked in gravy will be dancing in my head, but sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do!  All I have to do is replace those thoughts with thoughts of over-sized thighs and hills of dancing cellulite and the decision becomes easy!  I'll let you know how things turn out.  Until then, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

“The pain of discipline is far less than the pain of regret.” -Sarah Bombell

CONFESSIONS OF A YO-YO DIETER

I am proud to announce that I have lost three more pounds.  This makes a total of ten pounds in three weeks.  I realize this news should be coming to you tomorrow on "Weigh-In" Tuesday, but since it will be Tera's turn to blog I thought I'd weigh myself today.  I've dreaded weigh-in's my whole life so I think I may be on to something since I'm willing to step on the scale a day early.  I feel very positive that I am moving in the right direction, but there are still so many defeating thoughts.

I have a confession to make- this ain't my first rodeo.  About eight years ago I had lost one-hundred pounds.  I did it through extreme diet and exercise and managed to keep it off for about four years.  I had become a bit of a celebrity.  Everyone was amazed at how I had done it.  I wasn't amazed because I knew how many hours I had put into the gym to get that body.  No one knew I was starving inside.  I would go out for a night on the town and if I had anything more than a cup of ice, I would come home and go running for an hour.  It didn't matter if it was 2 a.m., fourteen degrees outside, or raining cats and dogs,  I wasn't about to let this weight thing get the best of me!  Little did I know it already had.  It was controlling my life- this obsession with being fit.  As good as I felt and as good as I looked, I knew at some point I would not be able to keep up this pace.  What I never expected was that when I stopped starving myself and working-out three hours a day, I would gain back every single pound I lost and then some.

I had corrective surgeries to remove excess skin and thought I'd never find myself in this place again.  Here I am.  A little less than ten years later my weight has skyrocketed to be forty-five pounds more than what it was before I had started dieting back then.  You CAN NOT imagine how defeating this it!  All that hard work, all that deprivation, and all that money to fix stretched out skin damaged from years of yo-yo dieting, is down the tubes.  Though I've had much bigger weight-losses in my life, I can't tell you how proud I am of the ten pounds I've lost this month.  I'm proud because I know I ate reasonably and exercised moderately to achieve this.  I've gained and lost weight more times that Oprah, yet I never give up!  This time I believe I'm gonna beat this once and for all.  Anyone who's ever lost a significant amount of weight knows how much you learn through that process.  Well imagine how much you learn when you've done it more than once!

I consider myself to be somewhat of an expert on the matter.  Addressing the insulin issue has been a big win for me because I don't think it's normal to have to spend that many hours working-out, just to maintain a healthy weight.  I can remember feeling the symptoms back then- the extreme sleepiness after I ate, despite having eaten nearly nothing.  Silly me, I thought the extreme carb cravings and the crash of energy was just the result of some hard workouts.  Now I know better.  Still, with all this knowledge and insight, the one single thought that wakes me up in the middle of the night is..."what if I go through all this again, only to fail again, and find myself gaining all the weight back plus fifty pounds more?!?"  I really do not want to spend my life this way.  Always working towards a goal but never long-term achieving it.  A constant state of deprivation.  What if I never even achieve the goal this time??

What I try to tell myself is that everything happens for a reason and perhaps we are meant to have do-overs until we learn the lessons we didn't absorb the first time.  I've done it before, so I have to believe that I can do it again.  I just pray that this time I can cross this goal off my "To-Do List" once and for all.  I will not give up until this mission is complete.

“Many of life's failure are men and women who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”- Thomas Edison

Making a list and checking it twice--- what the heck is in this???

Well, ladies and germs, it is I, returned from an extended trip to the great outdoors, aka the boonies...ever greatful for the fact that the great indoors has electricity and an abscense of dirt and bugs. And don't get me wrong, I love to fish, but fishing looses its appeal when watching preschoolers, baking in the sun and dealing with those oh-so fun touristy types and then traffic.

Anyway, I am dreading my Monday grocery trip. Every Monday, I pull out coupons and make my shopping list, trying to get everything that we will need for the week. In the last few weeks I am coming across the dilemma of getting what is healthy and affordable. It seems like all the things that are worst for you are the cheapest! White bread is about a dollar, while wheat breads start at 1.39. Enriched pasta starts at about a dollar, whole grain is $2.40. Regular milk is $2.38, while organic is $4.99. Lunch meat that is full of gelatin and fillers starts at $2.40-- deli meat is 6.99 a pound and up. Fruits and vegetables fresh are astronomical, even when buying "in season" items, I still spend at least $20-$30 every week. But it is necessary--- you put garbage in, you get garbage out. Reading some of these labels is giving me nightmares--- turn over a container of anything you eat that is "processed." You can't pronounce most of that stuff, much less know what it is! Or you have something that is advertised as having chicken in it, but chicken is like the tenth ingredient on the list.

There has got to be a better way! Or at least a happy medium between quality and expense.

I am thinking about looking up some co-op's in the area and seeing what they have to offer.

I also about killed myself on the stairs yesterday. I'm marching up and down a couple sets every day to build my endurance up slowly, and OMG! I got a toddler underfoot unexpectedly and we both wiped out! Getting healthy is dangerous. and to think I am actually toying with the idea of asking Santa for some rollerblades this year (Jennifer, that's the nice thing about Texas---sometimes we get 80 degree weather in the dead of winter, lol) to help with the cardio, but if I can't make it up and down my own stairs without incident, I am terrified to think what would happen when we throw WHEELS into the picture, and ask me to obtain a little balance and coordination to boot. YOWZA! Maybe a bicycle......

SCATTER MY ASHES AT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY!

When I die I want my ashes scattered at the Cheesecake Factory.  You heard me!  Forget the ocean, haul my body bits to the kitchen of the greatest chain restaurant in the world!!  I had the most wonderful meal at the Cheesecake Factory yesterday.  If you haven't guessed, a visit here was at the tippy-top of my "Food List."  I have been holding out for this gratifying moment for the last three weeks and, as usual, The Factory did not disappoint!  I was a bad, bad, girl!  I had the Boston House Salad as a starter, followed by Steak Diane with Shrimp Scampi.  It was wonderful!!  The food is spot-on every time.

Where I live there are few choices for a good meal and I am not impressed with even the town favorites.  I'm generally not a fan of chain restaurants which often crank out ridiculously salty meals, but I make an exception for the Cheesecake Factory.  With over two-hundred menu items to chose from, its a food lover's dream!  Few places can offer such a large selection and serve so many different styles of cuisine well!  The Mexican dishes are wonderful.  The Thai entrees are good and the "comfort dishes" like Meatloaf and Sheppard's Pie are simply amazing!  The portions are quite large and the prices reasonable.  Considering all the tempting selections I could have succumb to (did I mention they serve Fried Macaroni And Cheese) I didn't do too bad.  I skipped the alcohol, declined the bread, tried to limit the carbs, and passed on dessert.  I also did an insane amount of walking following my meal.  I'm sure everything I ate was still plenty calorific, but even just having the will-power to skip dessert at this place is nothing shy of a miracle.  But like I've said before, "The Food List" is about an indulgence, not going on a mad, crazy, binge.  So my infomercial for The Cheesecake Factory has come to an end.  Thank you for your attention and happy eating!


“Well-behaved women rarely make history.” -anonymous

FOOOOOOD FIIIIIIGHT!

A musing on Thanksgiving....If I don't get to eat it, do I get to throw it? My job for our Thanksgiving meal is to bring the pies. ARGH! The Flying Saucer here in Houston has absolutely, positively the best pies you will ever eat and I am picking up a couple to take to Dallas. I have also decided that I am making a couple pumpkin pies from a healthy recipe.

This was borrowed from the KSBJ morning show page, courtesy of Catherine Kruppa:

Easy Pumpkin Pie

FILLING-
2 egg beaters (1/2 c.)
1 can (16 o) solid pack pumpkin
1/2 c Sugar + 3 packets of Sweet n Low
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp ground cloves
12 oz. can Pet Light evaporated skim milk
Fat Free Cool Whip

Graham Cracker Crust-
12 low fat cinnamon graham crackers
1 tbsp sugar + 1.5 packets Sweet n Low
2-3 tbsp Butter Buds (made from mix)

Preheat to 425. Mix filling in order listed. Mix together crust ingredients and press into pie pan, sprayed with non-fat cooking spray. Pour filling into crust and bake 10 minutes. Reduce heat to 350 and bake 40-45 more minutes.

2 pies, 16 servings. 118 calories, .4 G fat.

Did you know pecan pie has 680 caories in one slice???

So what I am seeing is that I don't necessarily need my straw helmet, but to make careful decisions. (and stay away from slices of Flying Saucer pie....)

I have been fighting food urges like crazy, as my busy life keeps its pace and I avoid buckling under the stress. I am coming to this crossroad where I have some serious financial decisions to make, that will ultimately make my schedule somewhat less harried. Change is hard. Especially for me. I don't like anything to do with it and it makes me panicky when going through it. I have been keeping carrots and yogurt as my back up snacks for when I need to have something sweet--or if I need to munch. Yogurt is just sweet enough to satisfy the urge, but not so much it trips a trigger, and its loaded with calcium. Carrots have that crunch and take a little bit of work to eat--- excellent for munchies.

My older son, bless him, told me yesterday.....MOMMY? I love your tummy, it so (squ)wishy. *sigh* I can't let my kiddos growing up thinking this much extra weight is good.

Tomorrow is Saturday, so we'll be walking around the block, kids in the wagon!

BREAKING THE ALL OR NOTHING HABIT!

I have some disturbing news.  I did not lose any weight this week.  Not one ounce!  In fact, when I hopped on the scale on "Weigh-in Tuesday," it read the exact same number as last Tuesday.  The old Jennifer would freak out and revert right back to bad habits, throwing her arms in the air and saying, "pffftt...I'm screwed no matter what I do!"  The new Jennifer, the less perfectionistic Jennifer, knows better.  Weight-loss is about finishing the race, not how fast you run it!  If I were to pinpoint one single concept that has held me back from success in almost every aspect of my life, it would be the "all or nothing" attitude; the idea that I have to do something perfectly all the time or I'd rather not do it at all.  I set such high standards for myself and those around me, that I often do not complete a task for fear of mediocrity.  I have re-started more diets than you can imagine due to what I perceive as, "failures in the execution," all along never coming to terms with the reality of the situation...had I just kept on going I would have reached my goal by now!  So I refuse to do that to myself again, nor will I punish myself for it.

I had a great week of exercise and diet, maybe not as perfect as my first week, and maybe not as fruitful, but fabulous none the less.  For me to have lost seven pounds in seven days was nothing less then spectacular, and to have maintained that loss for an additional week is even more spectacular.  I am going to finish this race!  I may not do everything perfect.  I may set goals that I miss or am slow to reach.  I may even take a step back once in awhile, but one thing is for sure, I am not stopping until I am back to a healthy, happy, satisfying weight!  What does no weight loss mean to me??  It means I'm going to work that much harder this week.  I don't know or understand everything that my body is going through right now.  What I do know is that it is busy making a lot of adjustments.  I'm going to continue to give my body what it needs to reach an enlightened homeostasis...and I'm going to write this damn blog every day until I reach it.


“Perfectionism is self-abuse of the highest order” -Anne Wilson Schaef

Diet Coke tastes bad---- WHAAAAAT???

The missing hath returneth......

So, I am on week 3 of one specific trigger purge---- Diet Coke---- well, anything "diet" really. I was at a point were I was drinking a two litre of it a day to get my caffiene kick and avoid feeling tired and head-achy. I drank diet coke like my two year old drinks milk. I gave it up for good old fashioned water, with a rare and occasional Crystal Lite packet added to it. We've gone through 6 24 packs of bottled water in that time frame. Anyway, I decided to have a small diet coke this morning on the way to work because my head was pounding something fierce, took one sip and

BLECHHHHHHHHHH

The little hamster that takes up residence on the wheel in my head started running really fast, he tripped and THUMP, THUMP, THUMP before flying out of the wheel into the cedar chips of my left brain with his teeth chattering. Then we spent about 15 minutes together twitching and trying to figure out what the "F" happened.

My body was craving water for it's pain, not the chemical concoction that makes up diet coke! At the next stop light, I poured it out the window. Monkey, be gone!

This revalation is extremely encouraging, because all the time I thought I needed it, and I was suffering, and poor me.... I should have slapped that hamster a long time ago. He's got another thing coming, that's for sure!

Overall, I feel pretty good. I got on the scale, and was somewhat disappointed that I am still at 260, just a 3 pound total loss, however I have to keep remembering that I am making small gradual habit changes. Small habit changes gradually---small weight loss gradually that should STAY off.

Now, I am gearing up my game plan for "T" day.....I'm going to have to go into this one with full gear on--- pads, helmet, cleats and a baseball bat.

I have been invited to THREE thanksgivings, God Bless them all. One with my brother in law, one with my mom, and one with my dad. All in a span of 5 days. The triple trifecta of not only a dieter's nightmare, but an emotional eater's nightmare filled with emotion causing family members. I swear I am going to have to put mittens on both hands and look all weird just to make it past the shmorgasboard of appetizers.

And my really tight pants so my belly gets all uncomfortable and smooshed so I can only eat two bites, and standing up at that.

So, cleats, tight jeans, protective padding, mittens and my copyrighted helmet with the straw. READY???? and break!

OH TERA, TERA, WHERE FOR ART THOU...???

MAKING SELF THE PRIORITY!

I am itching to talk about something that I think is beyond epidemic in this nation.  In fact, I have considered writing a book about it.  It is the notion that women can do it all!  I think it goes back to the 1980 Enjoli Commercial, "The eight hour perfume for the 24-hour woman."  Remember this?!? What a load of crap!  "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let-chu for-get you're a man..."  Yeah, the whole time forgetting about yourself!  "I can work till five o' clock, come home and read you tickety-tok."

I think this may be the biggest lie we've been fed as Americans yet!  Here's my version, "I can work a man's hours, but be paid half as much, go home before starting my second job having had no time for lunch...cause I'm a woman...Enjoli...I can do housework until I'm beat, go to bed- wake up, having gotten no sleep...cause I'm a woman."  Trust me, I am all about equality.  I'd just like to see it manifest in a way that's actually beneficial to a woman.  What I think we have done is breed an entire race of women who are so busy "bringing home the bacon," partnering a spouse, raising children, and keeping house, that they have no time for themselves!  This would include, but is not limited to, eating properly and getting healthy doses of exercise beyond carrying laundry up and down the stairs.  I think the more we do, the more we're expected to do, and worse still, we're shamed if we stand up and say we don't want to do it and aren't going to do it!  Try telling someone these days that your profession is, "homemaker."  Or better yet, try telling people you've elected not to have children since you already work a full-time job.  Eh heh, they'll look at you like you have two heads!  It's just assumed that you'll do both.

Women naturally assume a lot of the responsibility when it comes to life and family.  I think we are just wired that way and men are fine with that.  Now don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful husband who does a lot, but I can continue to burden myself with responsibilities and I guarantee at no point is he going to come to me and say, 'honey, I really feel left out when I don't get to clean the bathroom...you get to clean the whole house- save something for me!"  Nope, never gonna hear that!  The biggest difference I've noticed between the sexes is that men are okay with what doesn't get done.  We as women are not okay with that.  Real conversation from the weekend...

ME: "Honey, your parents are coming over tonight and we still haven't cleaned up the downstairs or the bathroom."

HIM: "So."

I bring all this up not to ignite a spark of controversy with women's lib or the battle of the sexes, but so we as women can look at our choices and see how we continually remove ourselves from the "priority list," and how this decision is affecting our health.  I think it is great that I went to the doctor and am taking on this weight problem, but it is something I should have done a long time ago and probably would have never had to do, had I not removed myself from the priority list!  Believe me, there are few things that make me crazier than a dirty, disorganized, living space, but I have come to terms with the fact that in order for me to have success in this weight-loss endeavor, I have to stop looking for more time and use the time I have.  I must make myself a priority over the laundry, the meals, even the bills.  There are times when I am just going to have to accept that "such-and-such" didn't get done and like a man say, "so!"

Tera, I have said over and over again, I don't know how you do it.  But it's also not a gigantic surprise to me that your health is suffering.  You are going to have to learn to say "so" to certain things, and ask for help with other things, because as I've mentioned, few life partners are going to scream, "hey, save some work for me!"

“The myth that we must have “time” -more time- in order to create is a myth that keeps us from using the time we do have.  If we are forever yearning for “more,” we are forever discounting what is offered.  The obsession with time is really an obsession with perfection- we want enough time to do everything perfectly!” -Julia Cameron

HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

I am officially exhausted! It shouldn't be humanly possible that I have cleaned the living room 4 times today--- that's 4 wipe downs of the TV, 4 scrubbings of the coffee table, 4 spot-wipes on the couch, 4 toy round ups, 4 vacuumings. And that was all before nap time at 2 pm! Add to that making breakfast, a snack, lunch and 6 servings of juice. I got lucky and only did dishes twice, then I mopped the kitchen, the entry way and all three bathrooms. I got 7 loads of laundry sorted, a load started. I changed everyone's sheets, so adding 3 more loads onto the top of the washer. I fed the animals, then went on sippy cup round up upstairs. 4 juice cups and a milk-sippy cup gone cheese factory --blecchhh---picked up toys upstairs and scrubbed a toilet. Then I went to drop off a cake, pick up some milk and then home to cook dinner, break up two lively toddler fights, kiss some boo-boos and shoo the pantry bandits back into the living room. I serve dinner, referree a fight over a banana, clean up some banana and clear away the dishes. Then I clean up the kitchen, ponder cleaning out the fridge, but settle on bathing, dressing and snuggling with the boys. Then my 2 year old gets to bed once, twice, third time's the charm....and the psychological bedtime game starts with my 3 year old "mommy, your bed is much better" and by this time my nerves are frayed around the edges and he wins to kick me in the back and elbow me in the eye for another night. After I write this I get to iron a shirt that I will probably overstarch just to amuse myself. Now I sit here TRYING to remember what I have consumed today..........
...................................................................................................
.......................................................................................
the only food I can remember from the day is that F-ing banana that I didn't even eat, and most of which is in the garbage or ground unmercifully into the living room rug (note to self for tomorrow...shampoo rug....)

HOUSTON WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

Now, one would think that with all this running around that I am doing, I would be a great deal thinner, however I am discovering that I am probably hoovering extra calories here and there without even thinking about it. I'm going to have to up the security level in my brain with new impulse firewalls; really pay attention to the nibbles! Either that or I will be fashioning a helmet with a straw bedazzled with the Slim Fast logo on it. HA.

THE FOOD LIST

It's time to stop whining and complaining about my food addiction and start discussing some strategies to cope with it.  Don't worry, I'm sure there will be plenty more discussions regarding my relentless obsession with food, but for right now I'd like to share a technique I've had success with in the past and have begun implementing again.  It's called, "The Food List."  There is a good chance you will look at me like I'm crazy when I tell you this, if so, good news you are not a food addict!  The rest of you will understand and relate completely.  Yes, I keep a list for almost everything- my shopping, my to-do, my goals, the reading I do, home projects, recipes I've prepared, reminders, movies I want to see.  The list goes on and no (no pun intended ;-)  It sounds a bit OCD, but I like to think of it as the way I exercise control and organization over my life.  It would stand to reason that I should make a list for the one thing I seem to be lacking some control over- my eating!  When I have an unbearable urge to eat something that isn't making dietary sense at the time, I put it on my food list.  It may be just one thing that I've been craving for some time.  Other times it may be one thing a day that is gnawing at me.  Irregardless, I put it on the list.  Then I set mini goals for myself.  If I am able to stay on my eating plan successfully for the next seven days I can have something from "The Food List."  The beauty is, it really helps me in several ways.  One, it helps me control those urges in the moment without sending myself the depressing message, "I can't have this."  I can, just not right now.  Sometimes a mind trick that small is enough for me to be able to reason with myself.  Two, many times when I reach my goal I've long forgotten about the thing I thought I had to have so desperately.  Sometimes not, and I have literally counted down the days, but at least it helps me weed through true cravings and desires versus impulses.  Three, this isn't about depravity, more it's about having the things you want, but in a body conscious way that is not detrimental to your health or fitness plan.  It teaches you control, good decision making, and moderation.  Most of all, it raises your awareness about the things you crave and how often you give into those impulses.

I believe if you deprive yourself to the point where dieting is punishment, then you are just repeating the cycle of self loathing.  It is not a crime to eat, but it is a crime to abuse your body and health.  My husband, an amateur foodie but foodie none the less, uses a "cheat day."  Similar in concept, but it definitely can lead to a more troublesome result.  I developed "The Food List" when I found I was struggling with his method.  In my opinion, a "cheat" day encourages mindless eating.  "I can have whatever I want today, therefore, I'm gonna have everything, even stuff I'm not hungry for!"  An entire day dedicated to bad choices can also undo the good choices we've spent all week making.  It is sometimes really tough to return back to "normal" eating after you've gone "hog-wild" all day.  The food list allows you to have a controlled indulgence, one that you truly desire and find rewarding, yet it does not propel your body and mind back into an unhealthy state of overload the way I believe a "cheat day" can.  I welcome the day when I can make great, body-conscious, eating decisions without use of a list, but until then, I find "The Food List" a great way to manage my cravings.  I may still on occasion eat for pleasure, but at least I am doing it here and there and not everywhere.

TIP OF THE DAY:  I do not recommend implementing a system like "The Food List," "cheat day," et cetera, until you have been on your program a safe amount of time where you can exercise an indulgence without causing irreparable damage to your progress.  For each individual that time frame is different.  For me, it is about ten days to two weeks.  If I do it too soon, I may fall off the wagon, and if I don't do it at least that frequent, I tend to snap and binge.

"Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health."  -Julia Child

Whoa, Tilly!

Jennifer....I had no idea what box of mac n cheese I was opening there, LOL. But you're absolutely right! I am finding that a lot of foods that I prefer to eat are foods that I remember from being a kid growing up.

I can remember the first time I tasted Hershey's chocolate syrup....does anyone remember it when it was in a little 3 or 4 inch tall can? You'd pull off the yellow lid and then poke two holes in the top, one to vent and one to pour. I remember my mom making vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup for me for the first time. She poured the syrup, then let me put my little finger into the drizzle left on the lip of the can so I could taste it. I can remember it exactly like it happened this morning! I mean, I think I actually saw stars!

I also love home-made pizza. We used to have Friday night pizza, where my family would make it together then sit down all together to watch TV. I think I've linked pizza with happy family moments.... I think that's why some of these foods are so hard to break away from. It literally feels sometimes like you're ostracizing happy memories. *sigh* At least I think that's what I mean. Breaking down into the core of this food abuse is much more complicated than I ever could have imagined, and I think that I am learning more about myelf than I have ever realized was there..

Then, there's also some not so good food memories. I remember being 5 or 6 sitting at our dinner table and not being hungry; my dad was very angry with me that I was not eating my food. I had to sit there until I was done; it felt like hours. I could feel his irritation and disappointment, so I remember saying that I would go get my jump rope and use it as a seatbelt so that I wouldn't get up until I was done. He said that I shouldn't do that, but I should just finish. Over the course of time, I learned to eat everything on my plate and turn off "WHOA, TILLY, slow down.... reek-reek-reek, she's going to blow!! alarm.

Every little kid has the need and desire to please their parents. That is what I was trying to do. I can't blame my dad either. As a parent myself now, I can see his perspective-- he worked all day long to provide for us, and not eating must have seemed like an insult or unappreciation. I even caught myself feeling this way with my sons when they won't touch their dinner--- well, gee, does it taste bad? I spent all that time cooking.... I'm tired, I could have just made sandwiches.... I PAID for that food.... It has made me a wiser parent, and a wiser child myself.

So now, here I am trying to correct my problem before my kids suffer from my bad habits and before I stroke out on pizza, mac and cheese and brownies. Its tough with the kiddos. For those of you still kind enough to be following along, I work full time, have a part time cake business, have two kids, three cats, a house, husband and a dog. I get up at 6 am, drive 30 minutes to drop my kids off at grandmas, drive an hour to work, work nine hours, get off, drive an hour to grandma's house, pick up the kids, then 30 minutes home. When I get home it's the toddler roller derby, trying to play with, feed, bathe, snuggle, dress and bed the kiddos by 9 or ten. Then I usually have a cake to work on, or something to do with cakes, OR housework-- vacuuming, dishes, sweeping, laundry, litter box......then I shower quick and go to bed, getting up with the kids as they are up and down all night. Then, 6am again...... AAAAHHHHHH!!!

A mother's work is never finished... loosing weight is not an option, but rather a necessity just to keep up. = )

ODE TO MACARONI AND CHEESE

I had a different idea for today's blog, but after reading Tera's entry I changed my mind.  You had to go there Tera!  You had to mention the "M&C" words!  When we talk comfort food there is no greater comfort for me than macaroni and cheese.  On any given day you can find at least four different macaroni and cheese products in my home.  Dry, frozen, organic, homemade- I got it all and when I don't have the instant variety, you can best believe I have ingredients on hand to whip up some delightful pasta and cheese masterpiece.  I wish I could place giant billboards all over town that have pictures of me and a big bowl of macaroni and cheese.  They'd read, “if you see this woman engaging in the following behavior, please contact the local authorities immediately!"

I have always loved macaroni and cheese and have fond memories of watching my mother bake a casserole, sometimes two, of the most heavenly creation.  As if mac and cheese isn't heart stopping enough, there was a homemade cheese sauce she used to prepare, thick with white cheddar and flour, that you could ladle on top of your serving should your portion be too dry.  She always made this dish with a fantastic, buttery, breadcrumb crust on top, and let me tell you, in our house it was never served as anything but the main course- no side-dish here!  Sometimes she would serve it with a dollop of sour cream or a side of stewed tomatoes, "to cut the fat," as she likes to say (shaking my head) LOL.

Ahhh...moments like this give me some clarity.  When I think about all the careful eating decisions I've made most of my life, it puzzles me that I've become this size.  Then I remember the macaroni with cheese sauce and I go, "yep, that might have done it!"  I think my mother eventually threw away that recipe in favor of a healthier version, but there is no landfill deep enough to keep me from searching for it if I knew where-about it was.

When I talk about the intense carbohydrate cravings I have had in the last five years, it is specifically macaroni and cheese that has called to me on so many occasions.  The rush of euphoria I experience afterward is incomparable to anything else, not even pizza (my second love) can come anywhere near it.  So I have stayed away from my one true love for about two weeks now, and I must say the cravings are subsiding.  I know I will be able to enjoy eating it again with a small degree of moderation, but for right now I must do what is best, which is to keep all of those trigger foods at bay.  I have a technique for dealing with my cravings which I will happily share with you in an upcoming entry, but for right now, may we please have a moment of silence as I bid farewell to macaroni and cheese...

“Thou art to me a delicious torment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Mystical and Mysterious Sahara

I am gearing up to buy a good old-fashioned cloth tape measure, but I am dreadfully afraid I am going to have to tape two together to actually get an accurate reading. I have spent some time in front of the mirror analyzing and scrutinizing every angle, blemish, bulge, bump, crater, dimple, wrinkle, sag.... When I turned around and looked at my back, I was astounded....WHEN exactly did an elephant start following me around? WHEN did I get....>>>sshhhhh<<<< rolls? Im not talking ordering-out-to-the-corner-bakery-rolls, either. More like the majestic, mystical, and mysterious rolling dunes of the Sahara desert. *GAHH*
Im not trying to be down on myself, just being flat out honest, because I've been hiding and making excuses for far too long. Time to get down to the naked truth and a little inspiration to get myself even more committed to the conviction that I already have to the ultimate goal. Im also saddened by the years of abuse I have put on my body-- years of studying all night, up all night drinking, followed by working two jobs, then having babies, moving halfway across the country and back and just the emotional/nervous eating that happens to fill in the gaps to take away the stress.
I am finding that I have trigger foods that create an urge to binge. These foods are going on the DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT SISTER list!
Sweet and Salty Nut Bars, Macaroni and Cheese.

At least until I can get a grip. At that point, I will hopefully find that I don't even want them.

GO JENNIFER, you're doing awesome!!!!

HUSBANDS, TUESDAYS, AND OTHER SMALL BEGINNINGS...

So last night my husband looks at me and says, "well your face looks better- it looks more clear and youthful...MANNNN... it's like someone comin' off METH!"  Uhhh...I think that was a compliment...???  TRANSLATION:  You're still big as a house...but I am starting to see a flicker of improvement.  Sadly, he's not far off.  I feel like I am coming off Meth.  The good news is the headaches have subsided.  Most of the aches and pains are gone and my energy level is slowly coming back up.  I'd say it took a good six days to a week for the "withdrawal" symptoms to stop.  I've had fewer naggings for carbs.  I still have them (I woke up today willing to kill for a bagel) but they are occurring here and there throughout the day, as opposed to, all day long with no relief.  So that's the biggest thing I've noticed.

In other news, it's...."Weigh-in Tuesday!"  I can say that rather enthusiastically because I have lost seven pounds.  I'll take it!  Actually, I'll more than take it considering in the last five years I've done twice the work and have lost only one pound or sometimes even gained weight.  So I definitely feel like paying attention to the insulin issue was a wise move.  I need to get my "fat" pictures up and running as there will already be a seven pound deficit from the "BEFORE" shot, but no worries, when you're nearly three-hundred pounds I doubt that's anything that will get noticed.

TIP OF THE DAY:  If you too are trying to lose weight, may I make my first recommendation... NEVER EVER start a diet or lifestyle change on a Monday...it's just bad ju-ju!  I have failed more diets that have started on a Monday than...insert clever remark here.  So call it superstition, but I say don't be a fool!  Mondays are the most depressing day of the week- weigh yourself on TUESDAY!

"All great things have small beginnings." -Peter Senge

So, I've been reading into natural foods that have a low glycemic index...

According to Wikipedia, "Glycemic index is a measure of the effects of carbohydrates on blood sugar levels. Carbohydrates that break down quickly during digestion and release glucose rapidly into the bloodstream have a high GI; carbohydrates that break down more slowly, releasing glucose ore gradually into the bloodstream have a low GI."

Therefore lower glycemic index, the less insulin that is required to process the glucose.

Green beans have a glycemic index of nearly zero, which is awesome. Most of the beans are in a low glycemic range and have a ton of iron and protein, making them acceptable substitute for some of the fattier meat options-- ie: black bean burger instead of a hamburger. Chickpeas can be made into hummus, a great spread for fresh veggies; soybeans, when steamed in the pod and sprinkled with a little sea salt are EXCELLENT, kind of bearing resemblance to popcorn.

****footnote to soybeans....DO NOT under any circumstances plan on dating, snuggling, doing sit ups with a partner, or finding yourself in any enclosed elevator-type situation if you have consumed any more than about 1/2 a cup of these things in one sitting. Whilst tasty and packed with great nutritional attributes, the soybean has a hidden danger..... toxic fumes of sulfuric death... beans, beans, the musical fruit....yes people I said it, awful, terrible, difficult-to-conceal FLATULANCE.
*ahem*
So, if you're hanging out with the guys, or stuck in a car with someone you don't like, snack away and write me all about it. I could use a laugh or two. For the rest of everyone else out there, steamed soybeans are awesome consumed alone or within reason. Soy is also a great option for tofu, cheese, sauce, milk, soy-dogs and lotion.*******

I too am feeling some of the headaches and irritation that come along with starting a new diet and sticking with it. It is painful, as internal organs begin shrinking also to adjust to a lessened work load, and like Jennifer said, your brain is used to being fed this carbohydrate rich buffet, and now it's being told to stick to the salad bar! Ms Brain is protesting loudly. Mine keeps eating its telegrams.

IT'S LIKE TRYING TO KEEP A SECRET FROM YOURSELF!

So last entry I told you about the mental torture of being on a diet, uh huh, now let me tell you about the physical torture!  My body loves to fight back!  For the last six days I have had a headache, verging on a migraine, all day, every day.  I have tried everything to avoid this hunger safety feature.  I've tried weaning myself off the calories gradually.  I've tried diving in head-on.  I've tried kicking off the day with pain relievers before the headache even begins.  Ultimately, no matter what I do I am destined to suffer.  Why??  Because dieting is like trying to keep a secret from yourself.  No matter what clever plan of attack you devise, your body knows what you are up to.  It is prepared to wage a war to stop you from depriving it of the carborific lifestyle it has become accustomed to.  While I am no stranger to exercise, my body is fully aware of what falls outside the norm and it is igniting the safety flares!  Every square inch of my body aches.  My neck hurts, my back hurts, my arms are sore, my legs are sore, my knees ache, my hands hurt.  Oh and let's not forget about the all-day headache.  And I haven't even hit the gym full blast yet!  Well today I'm sending my body a telegram...

"The jig is up.  Stop.  The party is over.  Stop.  You are no longer in charge.  Stop.  There's a new sheriff in town.  Stop.  Get used to it!  Stop."

People who do not have a serious weight problem do not understand the physical and mental dependency on food.  Since they don't experience these symptoms and reactions, they assume that every fat person is just being gluttonous.  I think food addiction is far worse than most addiction problems out there and I say this with respect and let me tell you why, because in simple terms, you don't need crack to live!  You don't need cigarettes to live.  You don't need alcohol to live.  You do, however, need food to survive.  So it's like telling a smoker to only smoke half a cigarette three times a day in a crowd of people who are chain smoking.  Food is everywhere!  You can not escape it and it's not a device like alcohol or drugs that you can simply leave behind one day.  It is always going to be a part of your life.  Mastering a healthy relationship with a device of addiction is never easy, but at least drug addicts don't have to befriend Cocaine in order to survive.

Call Me Minnie

Jennifer, I am over the moon on your diagnosis!!! Not that you have it, of course, but rather the fact that it's just that and moreover, its TREATABLE! I have battled the same thing, and I will probably go have myself screened now for it again. When I first met you I was diagnosed with the Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome as my reason for not being able to get pregnant. My gyn broke it down to the insulin resistance and started me on Glucophage/Metformin. I think with diet and meds, I dropped 16 pounds in 4-6 weeks, 3 months for my ovaries to absorb the cysts and then I got pregnant with Elijah. So it turns around pretty fast... = )

I have spent this week scrutinizing my lifetime diet. From age 7 I was always a pretty chubby kid, not necessarily that the foods I was eating were bad for me, but I was always made to clean my plate before I was allowed to leave the table. I never think I really learned proper portion sizes. I will read the back of a cereal box, and it will say something like 1 cup, or 3/4 cup...then give the calories earned with the different kinds of milk-- 1/2 cup. Now, I'm sitting here looking at my cereal BOWL and looking at the measuring CUP....WTF??? The seven mini-wheats now laying in the bottom of the bowl look SO lonely! So right there, you think properly chosen cereals would be healthy, but not if you're eating 2-4 times the serving size that's needed to fill your bowl. I NEED DOLL DISHES! And one ounce of cheese is a serving, usually containing 5-8 grams of fat....do you know how many of those I have hoovered at a wedding or party? AT LEAST a third world country's caloric/fat intake for a week, I am sure. And that's just for starters...Just call me Minnie Mouse! SO,

Step1--LEARN PORTIONS for the foods that I am eating. I'm also going to use our salad plates as dinner plates to make sure my eye isn't tricking my brain into thinking it's being deprived.

I am also keeping a journal of my 'trigger' foods-- the other day I had a nature valley granola bar, and I had to stomp the urge to eat three more. I think it might have had something to do with the after taste. The urge went away when I rushed off to brush my teeth.

Step 2-- food journal with any reactions to food during or after consumption--including emotional/nostalgic.

Step 3-- brush teeth after meal; cleanses the palate, and the dentist is going to love me!

I have also sworn off of fast food competely, and I am giving up all carbonated drinks, "diet" included.

Step 4-- exercise! And don't laugh at me, as I will be climbing ACTUAL stairs at my house, one flight, up and down. I will also be pulling the kids in their wagon around the block, until I get a little stamina to be able to jog.

WHEW, anyone else exhausted!?!?!

THE RESULTS ARE IN!

Wow!  So much has been running through my mind this week.  I have been waiting on pins and needles for these results- wanting to know the outcome, but secretly dreading the truth.  I have played out every possible scenario in my head, yet nothing has prepared me for the set of emotions I am experiencing right now.  I've had some time to digest the news and so I can say with absolute clarity that the next eight words will be very cathartic...here goes..."I'm not FAT, I have a medical condition!!!"  Okay, so actually I AM fat, but I DO also have a medical condition.  It is called Insulin Resistant.  What that means is my body has stopped responding to insulin and instead grabs every calorie it can get and deposits it as fat.  So no matter how little I eat, I will gradually gain weight.  My cells can not absorb the glucose they need so they signal my brain that I need more carbohydrates and sugar.  The result-persistent food cravings.  Pffttt!!  That's some barrier if you're trying to lose weight!

I am very grateful that the outcome is not more tragic, and I have a deep respect for all those who are dealing with far worse circumstances, but I gotta tell ya, it explains a lot!  I can't believe I didn't know this sooner, like before I gained 140 pounds!  Sadly, all the symptoms are there.  Fatigue- especially in the morning, the extreme cravings, the sleepiness following meals, the rapid/extreme weight gain, the hormonal shifts, belly fat.  I have doubled my weight in approximately 5 years.  (Tera, If I run your calculator that means I roughly gained about 30 pounds every year, or I average a weight gain of about 2 1/2 pounds each month.)  I thought I earned every pound of it!  When you grow up in a household where you hear such insensitive comments as, "you'll never see a fat person in a concentration camp," you learn to accept personal responsibility for your failures even when you know things don't make sense. 

What I have discovered is that doctors can miss finding "insulin resistance."  Often, Insulin Resistant people are able to produce large enough quantities of insulin to keep blood glucose levels near-normal, and they often live a symptom-free lifestyle.  Doctors don't diagnose a problem until the individual has stopped producing insulin completely and has become a full-blown Diabetic.  This is part of the reason why we are seeing such an increase in Diabetes in this country.  It is estimated that more than 57 million people are pre-Diabetic and don't know it.  If you believe your weight is increasing at an alarming rate despite diet and exercise, ask your doctor to check your insulin level.  "Syndrome X," "Metabolic Syndrome," and "Polycystic Ovary Syndrome" are some common terms and conditions associated with "Insulin Resistance."  While I have agreed temporarily to take medicine, exercise and a Mediterranean-like diet is the best approach for combating this condition.  My years of yo-yo dieting certainly has played a part in where I am today, but one thing is for sure, I DID NOT earn every pound of this, but I will earn every pound I lose!

Double Trouble

You know, I've always wanted a sister. Don't get me wrong, having my kid brother was great...he did everything that a little brother should do, almost verbatim from the 'Little Brothers Handbook of Properly-Torturing-Your-Big-Sis-To-Show-You-Care," volumes 1 through 25. (love you bro!) I've even thought about how fun a twin sister might be. In all that wanting and thinking, I was unaware that my fairy godmother had a sense of humor...a twin in my own skin! I came to a realization whilst e-chatting with my dear friend Jennifer, that I am LITERALLY DOUBLE the weight that I was when I met my husband. DOUBLE-- that's a whole extra person, people!! Starting at 130, and 15 years later finds me at 263. Thats 8.67 pounds per year.... c'mon, you math majors out there, lets crunch the numbers...thats darn near a pound a month for the last 15 years, if you include the variable numbers of the range of absurd fad diets I've been on that I have lost weight on and then turned around and doubled my loss number in gain.

As a matter of fact, based on those odds, I should really consider playing the Texas lottery or the stock market. Woo HOO, way to turn nothing into something!

In all seriousness though, I am going to have to play my cards carefully on this one and make some smart choices. I'm right there with you Jennifer....I feel the lonliness, and the sporatic waves of panic that come along with such a huge undertaking. Some people smoke, some people drink,some people are shopaholics, some are TV junkies, and some people hoard cats for crying out loud........it all boils down to one thing. Everyone has habits they have and things that they use to make themselves feel better; to get through the tough spots in this life in one piece. I have food. Now I have to make the shift--mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I should be eating to live, not living to eat to just make it through another day.

And what does this all mean?

We get to day two.

NO ONE EVER TALKS ABOUT THE LONELINESS...

People so often think that diets are just about physical deprivation.  What they fail to realize is that the emotional deprivation is far more excruciating.  I get depressed at just the mere mention of a diet because I'm being asked to give up the one thing, and probably the only thing, I so faithfully give myself- food!  After an emotionally difficult childhood that paved the way for a stressful adulthood, food has become my best friend.  It's the sense of calm, the rush of euphoria, the awakening that happens inside when you have lusted after something all day and you finally get it!  Especially when what you truly lust after in life is so unattainable at the time.  When I can't make my monthly finances work, when all my hard work at my job has failed to pay off, when my family is making me crazy, I can quietly turn to food and, momentarily, the stress melts away. 

When we talk about this journey, what we are really talking about is surrendering a lifelong coping strategy, and not just for a couple of weeks.  We are talking about long-term deprivation!  If I am fortunate enough to lose 1 pound a week, every week, I will be on this diet 2.79 years before reaching my goal weight.  I can not wait to expand on the physical response this type of change elicits, but for right now, think about the emotional.  This is not just about having one slice of pizza instead of two.  This is about being whole without the one thing that makes you feel that way.  It is emotionally devastating.  What do you think my mind is telling me when I try to deprive my body of the one thing it has had consistently for the last 37 years?!  Try telling your mind it can't have something that every cell in your body is telling you to have!  Try telling your mind it can't have something that everybody else can have!  It gets very lonely, especially when those around you seem to have a different relationship with their body.  It is easy to suggest developing a new habit, but aside from using alcohol or cigarettes, it's pretty difficult to replace something you ingest with an external factor.  No matter what case you make for the behavior change, you are making a commitment for a payoff that may be a long way off.  It is something that my rational mind knows is well worth the commitment, but trying to get my emotional self to accept that I must spend the next two to three years navigating all of my problems without the extra calories, is far more devastating than any physical hunger pangs.

"There's No Place Like Home"...she's a brick WHAT?

How many times have I gotten up in the morning wishing that when my feet first hit the floor that they were going into Dorothy's ruby red slippers instead of my pink piggies? On most days I would just love to click my heels three times and retreat into my alternate idea of what a perfect life would be. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with my life as I have truly been blessed with the purchase of a home, my marriage to my high school sweetheart, the birth of my two sons, but sometimes a girl needs to take a step back from all that blessed chaos... Sometimes I feel so blessed that I am searching frantically around for my ticket to the funny farm! I spend my days in the many roles: daughter, grand daughter, sister, wife, mother, employee, cake baker, personal chef, nurse, maid, wash-woman, counsoler, referee, computer tech, friend, eradicator-of-monsters-in-the-closet, coach, accountant, mechanic....the list goes on and on. The only person I am missing from this list is ME! Its like I am swirling around in the Wizard of Oz tornado trying to find myself while saving everyone else; the only outcome I've gathered is in the seemingly benign neglect of myself, I've gone from the size of little Dorothy with her cute red shoes.....to the HOUSE that Dorothy dropped on the Wicked Witch of the West! On that note, I boldly introduce myself; My name is Tera, I am 5' 6" and I weigh 263.
I am seeking to dedicate myself to becoming healthy-- eating right, exercising and sleeping well. I am tired of blaming my wardrobe issues on the dryer and huffing and puffing up one flight of stairs at home to put my two year old to bed. I am tired of avoiding the camera and missing out on pictures with my kids. My family and friends deserve better, and I deserve better!

WAITING ON TEST RESULTS...

If receiving the news about my weight wasn't horrific enough, now I am waiting on test results.  I went to the doctor for the first time in years to get some blood work done.  Tests were ordered to see if I have a thyroid condition, an insulin issue, Diabetes, high cholesterol, or anything going on hormonally.  Let me tell you, it is absolutely petrifying to be me right now, especially knowing that my weight has automatically put me at risk for some, if not all, of these conditions.  My blood pressure appears to be normal.  Now I am waiting to see if my other results are normal also.  There's an interesting dynamic to my fears.  Part of me is praying that everything is normal, as who wouldn't want a clean bill of health, yet part of me is looking for some answers, an explanation if you will, as to how I got to be this size?!  My worst nightmare is that my neglect has caused me to develop a condition such as Diabetes.  Last I heard, one in three people have it.  Did I really get here all by myself or has my determined nature and no nonsense approach allowed me to accept full responsibility for a state of health I didn't earn all on my own!?  I guess I will soon find out.  Again, you can't change what you don't acknowledge.  If I have pushed my health into the danger zone, then I need to know exactly what it is I am dealing with.  If I'm going to win this battle it is important that I know what I am at war with!  Is it just the Twinkies, or do I now have to take up battle with some physical factors too?  My hedonistic side would have me continue as I am, but the very faithful and grateful side says...if I am lucky enough to get a clean bill of health, I will never, ever, put myself at risk for these things again!  Here's to hopin' the faithful side wins out!