I acknowledge your sinus infection Tera and raise you one gastrointestinal condition! The last couple of days have been interesting to say the least. I am not one who generally has trouble in this area, well at least not in the way I am about to describe. When I do have "bathroom issues" it tends to consist of me running to the commode clenching my cheeks (and I don't mean my face) as a hurricane of waste exits my body. I acknowledge that this is not great dinner conversation and has definitely crossed into the "too much information" zone, but bare with me for a moment.
The last two days I have felt bloated with abdominal pressure and no bathroom relief in sight. If you are fat there is no worse feeling because you already feel like a balloon on feet without adding thirty pounds of pressure to the mix. It was horrible! I felt like when I sat down my stomach blinded my viewing path. It was uncomfortable to stand, uncomfortable to sit, and uncomfortable to move. I had never really experienced this before because I rarely leave my body any choice. When you stuff food in your face at the speed of light your body often has no choice but to release things. Today was different. I kept envisioning someone blowing up a balloon (maybe Tera), tying it off at the end, dressing it in doll clothing, and writing "Jennifer" on it with a Sharpie before tightening 'Santa's belt' around the waist. Sorta like a big inflatable voodoo doll but instead of pushing pins into it (which would actually bring me some relief) Tera just leans back with a pin in her hand cackling..."ah ha ha ha!" I guess I should have thought more carefully before writing the last blog entry :-)~
This experience literally rendered me useless for a day and a half. The good news is I hardly ate for fear of explosion. The bad news is, I barely moved. While I'm sure walking, going to the gym, or any kind of exercise would have helped the situation, it was simply too uncomfortable to move. Then because it continued overnight and into the next day, I began to panic. My thoughts started to get the best of me..."what if it's not what I think it is?" "What if it's my appendix?" "My ovaries?" "My kidneys?" Yes folks, I was naming organs left and right despite the fact that I new the origin of the discomfort did not jive with any of those things. I took some Milk of Magnesia (against better judgment) and it provided me absolutely no relief. Way to go Pharmaceuticals, keep up the good work!
Eventually the feeling subsided and I returned to a normal size which is still a balloon, but smaller than say a "hot-air" balloon. I'm not sure what caused this. I can't really say anything was out of the norm in my diet. I realize that I am eating a lot more plant fiber and a lot less carbs, but I have been doing that for over three months. So why the discomfort now? One of the many side effects of my medication is constipation, but then in the name of great medicine, so is diarrhea, cramps, passing a monkey...so who can tell? I'm just glad it's over!
On a small, rather unrelated note, I must tell you about my flowers. They are miracle pedals! These have to be the best flowers I have ever purchased. I have had them for eleven days and there is absolutely no change in their condition. It's like they're frozen in time! They have started to open but I would have half expected Tulip petals to be all over the floor of my office by now. See what happens when you give a gift to yourself! Not bad for thirty bucks! I didn't even change the water! I do talk to them. Funny, I can kill a houseplant in twenty-four months or less, but flowers I can do! I am done with florists! I don't know what they're doing lately but my days of ordering eighty dollar arrangements that show up looking like they've been to Saigon and back and die in four days is over! I always try to support local small business but enough is enough! Go to your wholesale club and have them bring you some from the back. Think I'm kidding, check 'em out...
"No matter who you are, no matter what you do, you absolutely, positively do have the power to change." - Bill Phillips
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